Itchy Tingle

The "Why"

2011-11-04T00:36:00.002-04:00

After quite a long hiatus, I am determined to get back to blogging. Because I have so many important things to say that you must know!

My inspiration comes now because November is National Adoption Month, and I have been thinking about blogging my experience in adopting a child.

My first post about my adoption experience: The "Why" - Why adopt? Every parent's answer will probably be different. Here's mine.

I have always known I would adopt someday. Maybe that sounds strange, but I remember even in school knowing I would adopt. I didn't know if I'd ever get married, or have biological children, but I knew I wanted to adopt.

As a kid, I remember feeling empathy even for stuffed animals that no one else wanted - the one with a torn ear, or a head sewn on crooked. I always picked those ones, because I thought no one else would want them and they needed to be loved. I made sure all my stuffed animals had room on my bed to sleep, even when I was sleeping on the edge. I remember watching "Wednesday's Special Child" on the news, which featured kids who needed homes. I wanted to give a loving home to a child someday, and my biggest dream was to be a parent.

And I did get married. And around the 3rd year of our marriage, we decided to start trying for a child. We felt ready and we both wanted children. We weren't desperate or anything, so we just relaxed and hoped it would happen. And we hoped. And we hoped. And after a couple of years, I talked to my doctor, who determined I had hypothyroid. Then he put me on Clomid. And he tried Glucophage because I had some insulin resistance. Five years after we started trying, it happened. After taking about 50 pregnancy tests, losing weight, charting my temperature, and taking pills, I got a positive pregnancy test in 2003. I felt like it was my miracle, like I had waited for this, and that all the grief and effort was worth it because I was getting my miracle.

I wept, I slept a lot, I craved spicy food, I wished and hoped and dreamed. And then one day I had lower back pain. And I called my doctor's office, who thought I was just constipated. And the next day, I felt pressure. And my water broke. At 22 weeks, I went into labor. After 18 hours, I delivered a tiny, perfect, and stillborn baby boy on November 13, 2003. I share my experience here on my blog at: This is My Story, This is My Son.

Everything changed on that day. There's no word for the opposite of "miracle." Tragedy doesn't begin to describe how it feels to lose a child. I talk a lot about my feelings and coping and crawling out of hell on my hands and knees in my blog.

It wasn't long before I got pregnant again. And miscarried at 9 weeks in 2004. It took me over a year, maybe two, to recover enough to even think about taking the chance to try again. But eventually, the voice that whispered "motherhood" became louder than the voice that wanted to protect me from heartache.

So, in 2008, we decided to pursue both fertility treatments and international adoption and see what happened first. We had friends who had adopted internationally and we attended a seminar on adoption. We put in our application and paid our fee. And I underwent fertility tests - painful, humiliating tests, but I knew they would be worth it if I got a baby. Soon, we started treatments for IUI - Intrauterine Insemination. I won't go into all the details, but the process included pills, shots, vaginal ultrasounds every 2 days, and nothing covered by insurance. I was an emotional mess, my hormones were all over the place, and the last thing I needed was paperwork, so we put the adoption on hold.

By the summer of 2009, we had done 6 IUI attempts, and none were successful. We decided to move to IVF - In Vitro Fertilization. A lot of the prep was the same - pills, shots, vaginal ultrasounds. But instead of inseminating me, the eggs would be removed and fertilized, watched as they grew, and then the best ones put back into my uterus. We had to pay the IVF fee upfront. Once that was in place, we proceeded. As this cycle progressed, it was clear that I was not responding with enough viable eggs to do the IVF. So the cycle was "dropped" for IVF, and, so as not to waste the eggs that did grow, an IUI was done. And I got pregnant. And I miscarried again - this time so early that I would never have known I was pregnant if we weren't monitoring everything.

So, in March 2010, we decided adoption was the road for us. We submitted our application again and requested Kazakhstan. We chose to adopt internationally because, for me, it was a sure thing. I knew people who had adopted in the U.S. who had to give their children back when the birth mother changed her mind. Or had an open adoption where the birth mother was involved in the child's life. I just didn't think I could handle that. In addition, I've always felt deeply connected with the world, and so it felt very natural to adopt a child from another country, someplace where they might not have the opportunities children have here in the U.S.

People often ask why I would adopt from another country when we have so much need here. Those are my reasons. I've traveled to other countries, and I know that many countries do not have systems in place to care for children like we do in the U.S. And, after so much loss, I could not cope if a birth mother changed her mind.

Right after we submitted our application, we learned that the Kazakhstan program had been closed indefinitely. Because we were anxious to become parents, we were put into the Russia program since it was close in nature to the Kazakhstan program. And thus began our adoption journey.

For more on my infertility journey or on the son I lost, Eroll, click the labels "infertility" or "Eroll" on the right.

Next: Paperwork! Paperwork!

Marcy's Illustrated Illness Timeline

2009-08-20T18:06:00.016-04:00

After 2 days of fever and then breaking out into a rash all over my body, I decided it was time to call the doctor. I called on Monday, and by the time I talked to the receptionist, the nurse called me back, the nurse talked to the doctor, and then the nurse called me again, they didn't have appointments left on Monday and set the appointment for Tuesday.

Having been in bed a lot, and afraid to do much lest I infect anyone else with whatever I have, I got creative with charting my symptoms. I knew she'd want to know what date the fever started, what date the rash started, etc. But I took it a little step further and added my (very crude) illustrations.

My doctor LOVED it - and she never shows any emotion. In fact, I kind of make it my quest to make her at least crack a smile when I'm there. I often do my typical jokey thing or make snarky remarks and she just looks at me and moves on. On rare occasions I've been able to get her to smile or even chuckle slightly. Well, what I called "Marcy's Illustrated Illness Timeline" did the trick. She read the whole thing and thought it was great, she showed tons of emotion! She also asked doctor-type questions along the way and I filled in the blanks about my symptoms.

After she checked me out (I still had the rash all over my body and had swollen lymph nodes in my arm pits), she asked if she could keep my diagram. I said yes - but I wanted a copy if possible (you know, for my blog!). She had her nurse make a copy and I heard the other nurses and doctors who were at the nurses station laughing and checking it out, which made me happy. Spreading my own special brand of cheer, I present to you:

Marcy's Illustrated Illness Timeline

Disclaimer: I do not in any way pretend to be an artist or illustrator.

The verdict from the doctor: still unknown, but she suspected either Parvovirus, commonly called "fifth disease" or Coxsackie virus (and yes, I kept giggling internally when they said it at the doctor's office and at the lab) commonly called "Hand foot and mouth disease."

Parvovirus would be the human variety - dog parvovirus is different and they do not cross species. Both viruses are pretty common and if you've had a toddler/preschooler, you'll probably know what they are. Turns out I was exposed to parvovirus as my nephew had it 2 weeks ago, so that is the more likely culprit. Both are just viruses (virusi?) and have to just get out of your system. It's just unusual to get them as an adult and the viruses are a little different in grownups (kinda like chicken pox vs. shingles - same virus, different manifestation).

Knowing I am leaving for the Middle East in 2 weeks, she also ordered a white blood cell count to make sure I'm not having any immune system issues. I also got some good anti-inflammatory drugs that have helped the joint swelling and pain considerably.

...

Hawk Eyes

2009-08-16T17:33:00.010-04:00

Today, I went to the park. I'm still covered in a rash and my joints ache, but I can't stand to waste a sunny day by sitting inside when I could be observing wildlife. It was over 90 degrees today, so we decided to make it a relatively short venture. My plan, since I'm still achy, was to just find a quiet place and park it on a bench for a while with camera in hand.

We walked around a bit in this marshy area I like. Saw lots of birds, but wasn't able to capture all of them with the camera, they are too quick! And I only seem to see the frogs when they make a "peep!" and jump into the water after seeing me. Once I was drenched in sweat, I decided to sit on a bench in the shade. There were a lot of birds from this spot, but with all the trees, it's hard to capture them with the camera. Still enjoyable to watch them - many were eating the berries that are starting to ripen.

I heard a rustling noise to my right that sounded like something large. When I looked over, I first thought it was a groundhog or woodchuck - it was about the size of a basketball and looked brown and furry. There was a lot of brush, so I didn't get a very clear view of it, but then I saw its eyes and beak and realized it was a hawk or falcon or eagle.

I took a few photos as it looked right at me. Then it hopped forward and leaned down. I thought it was stalking some small prey in the brush and assumed at any moment I would see some commotion from that direction and the bird fly away with its meal. After several minutes, that did not happen. In fact, I saw no more movement from the direction of the bird, which was only about 15 feet from where I was sitting.

Before heading home, I decided to investigate the area. I figured when I got close, the bird would take flight. As I stepped into the brush, the only movement I saw was hoards of flies converging on the feathered mass of the huge bird. It's body lay still in the grass. Twice I saw the bird shake the flies from its head, but that was the only movement I saw. It was obviously near death and the flies were wasting no time in the hot sun.

I didn't expect to find it dead, this majestic bird whose eyes had just been looking into mine. As I walked back to the car, I thought about the strange phenomenon of being the last living thing that another living thing saw before it died.

I have been the last living thing seen by a dying being before, both people and animals. I like to think it's an honor to have been that for another being, to be its last vision of this world. I hope my presence contributes to a gentle, empathic gateway to whatever realm waits for us in death. My experiences with death have been too often, but have also helped me to not be afraid of it. And I think being there when someone or something loses its grip on life connects you more closely to the spiritual.

*I now believe it was a Cooper's Hawk, but I'm not positive. It appeared to have died of natural causes (in other words, it wasn't shot).*

...

Random Thoughts from a Day Home Sick in Bed

2009-08-15T20:45:00.005-04:00

I spent 2 solid days home sick this week. Symptoms were fever (topped at 102.2), body aches, nausea, and exhaustion. I could barely find the energy to get to the bathroom, but did have my phone available to send Tweets and my iPod for playing games (although my head hurt so badly, I couldn't play them). I had a lot of mindless TV on while I was awake, just because I couldn't concentrate on anything more cerebral than that. Later in day 2, as I started feeling a little better and the fever broke, I started writing down the random thoughts I was having. I seem to have a lot of random thoughts!

Fevers make me feel all prickly, even on my head
Those Sarah McLachlan commercials for the ASPCA (fight animal cruelty) make me want to kill myself
Why am I still sweating???
People who are home during the day must really need car insurance
A power wheelchair really would improve my quality of life!
My whole body hurts, especially my joints
MonsterQuest on History might be my new favorite show
Do you think I could break a rib with a hiccup? Feels like I did.
Court shows teach you a good lesson: always get it in writing!
Les Paul died. Bummer. :(
Acetaminophen works better than ibuprofen for me. Good to know.
Snake handling as a religious ritual is still legal in West Virginia
I think it's a sign you are feeling better when you think your own body stinks
A girl's name on a court show: "Soprecious"
I think I would like a panic room, just for fun
Being sick in the summer sucks. Having a fever in the summer really sucks.

Snuggie Love!

2009-08-04T22:06:00.014-04:00

Just in time for the holidays (yes, the stores I've been to already have Christmas stuff out!!), Snuggie mania returns. Yes, even though I was sweating today, it's not too early to start thinking about keeping warm. Today on Facebook, I received links to 2 Snuggie-related items - Snuggies for Dogs and the "Snug Wow." I decided to post some of the funny Snuggie stuff I've seen here on my blog so you can keep up with the Pop-Cult of the Snuggie! Enjoy, minions!

New Snuggies!! (yes these are REAL)

Snuggie for Kids
(free slipper socks!)
Peekaru Baby Snuggie
A funny blog about the "Peakaru"
Weezer Snuggie (a Wuggie)

Snuggie for Dogs

(with free talking dog tag!)

Snuggies in Public
Snuggie Pub Crawl
Snuggie Fest
Snuggie Sightings

Snuggies in the News
Snuggie on ABC News
Snuggie Review
San Francisco Chronicle
New York Times

Snuggie Humor

Snuggie commercial parody

The WTF Blanket

In a Snuggie! Rap video

And this is my absolute FAVORITE one!
The SnugWow!

Ticked Off!

2009-07-31T12:20:00.009-04:00

This morning, I woke up just a bit early. Did some eyebrow maintenance, and then got naked and turned on the shower. I put my hands on my hips while waiting for the water to get hot and then I felt… something. Still a little groggy (I am NOT a morning person), I thought it felt like something was just stuck to me (like a scab or a piece of something) at the back of my right hip.

So, I pulled. And it hurt, but I pulled the item right off. Looking at my fingers to see what it was, I at first thought it was a spider. I yelped and threw it into the shower. Looking at it again (still moving, of course), I realized it was a tick.

I started freaking out. I called for Sean to come take a look and make sure I got it, and make sure the place where the tick bit into me was OK and to look at the insect and see if he also thought it was a tick. And also, I needed him to check every inch of the rest of me and make sure it was the only one. The first thing he said was, “Do I need to get a match?” Apparently, he’s had more tick-removal experience than I have!

Of course, once I was assured my skin was OK, I ran to get the camera to take a picture of it for later identification and story telling purposes. It was a fast little bugger and I didn’t get a great shot of it before I decided to smash it. Sean tried to smash it with his fingers, but eventually I took a pen and just crushed the life right out of it. I was like, “My blood!!”

Sean said, “You’re lucky it didn’t really burrow in and you could just pull it off!”

I have this terrible fear of ticks. They are one of the most dreaded bugs to me, and their parasitic nature and blood-sucking-ness totally give me the heebie-jeebies! Thankfully, I have never had one on my flesh until today! But it was one of my biggest nightmares come to life!

Whenever I am outside where there might be a possibility ticks would get on me, I’m constantly saying “tick check!” And I don’t even wear “Off” bug repellant because there isn’t enough DEET in it (not even in the Deep Woods version, which has 25% DEET!). What I use is Sawyer Maxi Deet, which contains 95% DEET! Yeah!

I almost always wear this stuff, but did not when out for a nature walk this week. But, even though it was a prime “tick area,” I don’t think that’s where I got this tick. I think I would have noticed it before today since that was Wednesday, and also it would have been way more engorged with blood and embedded then it was. I think it is more likely that I got this tick from playing with a stray cat at my in-laws house yesterday. In fact, I did pick up and pet the cat, holding it on the very side of my body where I found the tick this morning.

I got in the shower to detox from the tick experience. I felt so… dirty! And anyone who knows me knows that I am militant about personal hygiene, so the whole tick thing just made me want to scrub my skin right off! While I was in the shower, Sean googled ticks to see if we could figure out what kind it was. It looks to me like it was probably a dog tick (I’m guessing American dog tick), which thankfully do not carry Lyme disease, but also do not usually bite people. Since it was not very embedded in my skin and because it was about the size of a pencil eraser, this is the most likely suspect. Deer ticks, which can carry Lyme disease, are usually very tiny.
Still, I’m supposed to keep the look out for fever and rash, as dog ticks can carry Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and other diseases.

-- Note: the blurry pictures are of the tick that was on me, the clear photo is a picture from the web of an American dog tick --

Holy S'mores!

2009-07-28T13:48:00.006-04:00

I originally posted this on my blog on MyUCC, but since no one can find it there, I'm reposting it here...

I was recently talking to a friend who said that his kids were making S'mores in their Sunday School class the next day. When I asked what lesson that went with, he wasn't really sure. So, I came up with this theory of the divine S'more.

Just to clarify, the S'mores I am referring to are the camp desserts made from toasted marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers. Three ingredients. A trinity.

In my S'more theology, the graham cracker is God - the substance, the part that holds everything together and surrounds all. Jesus is represented by the "good stuff" - the chocolate. And what holds it together is the Holy Spirit, melted by the fire of inspiration and connecting us with God and Jesus.

While each ingredient is tasty on it's own, combined together is what makes a S'more such a treat. Without any of those ingredients, a S'more just wouldn't be the same. It is complete and yet made up of separate parts that become one.

And yes, S'mores are messy. Just like life and faith. Does anyone have it all figured out? I like that we are all on this big camping trip together, sitting around the campfire. When we really enjoy our S'mores, we're covered in marshmalow, melted chocolate, and graham cracker crumbs!

Random Thoughts from the Road: The Return

2009-07-03T20:28:00.006-04:00

In the spirit of my first post, "Random Thoughts from the Road," I present part two - my return drive to Cleveland and the many random thoughts I had along the way. I was really tired after the week-long convention, so the thoughts were a little few and far between.

There is a town called Clarksville in Michigan, which made me start singing the Monkees' song, "Take the Last Train to Clarksville" and I wondered if this was the town they were talking about, although I doubt it. (turns out, it's about Clarksville, TN)
Billboards of Michigan: Awful picture of a scorning woman and it says, "Be a Hero - Report Vulnerable Adult Abuse"
I passed a track that was apparently to train police officers to drive the police cars - like a test track for police cars. Never thought about something like that before.
Billboards of Michigan: Leinenkugel beer. We have these in Ohio, too. And I enjoy Leinenkugel. And I really like saying Leinenkugel. Leinenkugel.
Flipping around the radio dial, I stop at a talk show because I thought it might be NPR, but turns out to be a pastor who says he refuses to pray in an interfaith prayer or service because he won't pray to false gods, but wonders if it's OK to pray without using the name of Jesus, as he has been asked to do on occassion for city meetings and other public events. He even says it's OK, because he knows he's still praying to his god and his Jesus. So, I wonder, you can't do that at an interfaith prayer or service? Maybe I'm naive, but if there is a god, I like to think the omnipotent is listening to all of us - no matter what religious affiliation we subscribe to.
Billboards of Michigan: GIGANTIC cleavage shot for Harley Davidson motorcycles
Not even out of Michigan, I was REALLY tired and falling asleep, so I had to pull over at a rest stop and take a nap. I set my cell phone alarm for 20 minutes, ended up sleeping for 45 minutes. I was glad that no one came up to the car to see if I was OK, which is something that always seems to happen when I nap in the car. Yeah, because if I was dead, I would have reclined the seat, gotten a pillow, cracked the windows, and had the radio on something soothing. People, if I'm slumped over the steering wheel, THAT'S when you can ask if I'm OK.
Was hungry mid-afternoon, so I finally stopped for a snack at a KFC/Taco Bell combo. I found it kind of amusing that there were 5 Hispanic gentlemen in front of me who ordered KFC, not Taco Bell.
What is THAT SMELL?
Turns out the smell was a truck full of live pigs.
Truck full of live pigs makes me want to become a vegetarian.
Growing up, I never liked ABBA. Now I LOVE ABBA!
I am both deathly afraid of bridges and impressed and fascinated by their engineering. The bridge that replaced the drawbridge over the Maumee River in Toledo is a pretty cool, but very tall bridge. I remember getting stuck at that drawbridge whenever we went to Toledo or Detroit to visit my dad.
I hate having the hiccups
Thinking about how this weekend is July 4th and fireworks. I remember being pregnant with Eroll and going to late-summer baseball games where they had fireworks and I remember worrying about if it upset him in there because it was so loud.
There are few stranger lyrics than "Alligator lizards in the air" from America's Ventura Highway. (apparently there really is such a thing as alligator lizards, which are a type of lizard and are not alligators, and you very well might see them along Ventura Highway. But they don't fly.)

Random Thoughts from the Road

2009-06-25T09:05:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, I drove to the UCC General Synod in Grand Rapids, MI. It was actually a nice drive, perfect weather (a little hot, but I had the A/C on) and pretty smooth as far as traffic goes. As I got started, I realized that I do a lot of thinking on these car drives (and also a lot of singing at the top of my lungs) and I decided to keep a notebook nearby and write down my random thoughts along the way. Now, I share them with you...

I can no longer hear Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" without thinking of those ASPCA pet rescue ads with the sad puppy dog eyes that makes me want to cry and makes me change the channel. (It came on the radio and I had to turn it off)
The super glue I got on my phone is never coming off
Did I pack everything?? What did I forget??
Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson are coming to Classic Park in Eastlake in July. I should probably go see them in concert before they die.
What IS that smell?
There sure are a lot of presidents from Ohio
I freaking LOVE Led Zeppelin!
What is the deal with those trucks that say "A. Duie Pyle?" Really??
Those "Real Men of Genius" ads crack me up! (The one I've been hearing lately is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeQnEqvrkO8 I find myself saying "Chili CHEEEESE!" a lot!)
I hate Delilah and syndicated radio shows
Billboards of Michigan: "Beef Jerky Unlimited (we are not a gas station)"
Why do I bother getting my job done on time? When I get things done, that just means I have to help others who didn't get their job done on time. Why don't I just procrastinate like everyone else so I don't have to do MY job and THEIR job?? I feel like by getting my stuff done on time, I'm enabling the procrastinators!!
Billboards of Michigan: "Guns Galore"
I LOVE Godspell!!!!!
Billboards of Michigan: "poopycredit.com"
Gotta love driving through an area where there are signs saying "Prison area - do not pick up hitchhikers." As opposed to all the times when I do pick up hitchhikers?
Why do men like to carry large bills? Sean gave me a $100 bill before I left (which was very thoughtful) but what do I do with it? No one would make change for it, including McDonald's, where my cheeseburger and diet Coke amounted to $2.50.
Driving along, a really crappy, loud car goes barrelling past me. I look over and say to myself, "What a piece of crap!" Not even 30 seconds later, this car's tire blows up - literally - causing me to have to do evasive maneuvers and still some rubber bits hit my car. Hey, if you have a crappy car, either keep it off the highway, or don't be driving like a maniac!
I stopped at an outlet mall and somehow spent $60 on undergarments
The techno remix of the Knight Rider theme song makes me want to drive fast
I used to love Meijer stores - it was a novelty since we don't have them in Cleveland, and they are open 24 hours. After stopping at one yesterday, not so much anymore. Very, very, very trashy.
Driving along, I see something crossing the road. I say out loud, "Go little creature!!" because it's just about to walk into my lane and it is going SLOW. I get closer, and I'm like, "What is wrong with its head??" because it's head is all flat. Then I realize, it's a really large turtle! I avoided it, and I hope others did, too. After I passed it, I was like, "Go! Go! Go turtle!!!"
Is Paul Harvey still alive? (and that's the REST of the story!) (Apparently not - he died in February 2009, I just learned)
I love Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey!"
Signs for Grand Rapids say: Gd Rapids. Which makes me think: god-damn rapids!

Going for a Ride

2009-06-21T20:50:00.011-04:00

In solidarity with my friends and colleagues who are bicycling to General Synod in Grand Rapids (riders began in NY, and the Cleveland crew left this morning) and because Sean wanted to, today I took a ride in the park. I have a new bike, so this was the first time I'd taken it out (although I did ride it around the neighborhood). After shaving my legs for optimal speed, we loaded up and went. Here's pretty much the breakdown of the ride:

5.5 = miles we rode
1 = stop made on the way there
3 = stops made on the way back
2 = walkers I passed
0 = bicyclers I passed
3 = dragonflies I saw
1 = great blue heron I saw (coming in for a landing, it was cool!)
1 = stop made for ice cream
20+ = times I complained about the ride being too hard
1 = time I broke down in tears because it was hard
1 = time I asked Sean to go get the car and pick me up
0 = times he picked me up with the car (after I broke down, he went to get the car, but I got back on the bike and finished the ride. When he got to the place where he thought I'd be waiting, he said there were people looking into the canal and he thought, "Oh great, she went into the canal!")
1 = old guy on a bike who verbally harassed me
1 = guy I saw riding a bike with a Burger King crown instead of a helmet
1 = number of times I said I should probably carry a personal defibrillator with me

Here's me on my bike today:

And, in case you are wondering about my super-awesome t-shirt, here's what it says:

When Midges Attack!

2009-06-08T21:34:00.005-04:00

That says midges, by the way, NOT midgets! That will be a different blog entry.

People have all sorts of different names for them - midges, muffleheads, sand flies. Whatever you call them, they are back in droves!

It's a phenomenon I've only really witnessed since I've worked downtown. Midges seem to only be found within 1 mile or less of the Lake Erie shoreline. So, at my house, we are completely midge free. But downtown, I can't walk with my mouth open on the street for fear of inhaling one! My office window is at times covered with them, and the sign for our building seems to attract them like crazy.

Last week, I started finding them INSIDE the office building! They were on the elevator door, dead ones on the floor, and when I went into our storage room to get some mounted photo enlargements out, the pictures were COVERED with dead midges! Ewww!

This year, I've enhaled 2 midges, and probably eaten more than that since I sat on the patio a couple of times at local eateries.

They look a LOT like mosquitoes, but they aren't. They don't bite, and they are only around for a few days. You'll see them in swarms downtown and anywhere near the lake. Many days, my car is covered with them. I had one clinging to my windshield as I sped along the highway!

They really are annoying, but the good news is that when they appear, it means Lake Erie is healthy! Midges are an indicator of good water quality. Their populations suffered from water pollution back in the 50s and 60s.

Officially, they are called chironomids, or non-biting midges. They pose no health threat to humans and are an essential part of the local food chain, as they are a dietary staple of many local fish species. Experts are saying we've had more than usual this year and they aren't really sure why.

The life cycle of a midge begins when a female drops eggs near or on the water. The eggs hatch within three days and drop to the bottom of a body of water. As larva, the midges feed mostly on algae. They thrive in otherwise poor conditions, including polluted water or water with a low oxygen count. After a year, those that survive predators such as fish emerge from the water as flies and gather in swarms in areas near the lake.

Next, midges search for mates. Males hover in swarms as they look for elusive females. They live for just about a week, and they are often eaten by small birds or end up squashed on car windshields.

We have many different species in Northeast Ohio, and while they will be around all summer, they won't always be in such large swarms as we've been seeing lately. But, since their purpose is to mate and lay eggs, when this "crop" dies out, we can look forward to another round of midges in 5 weeks or so.

IVF FAQs

2009-05-03T20:52:00.007-04:00

I just completed an IVF cycle – except that the cycle was dropped and we weren’t able to do the IVF. They didn’t want to waste the eggs, so we did an IUI cycle instead. People have been asking me some questions about how this all works and how it is different from what we did last year. So I present to you some answers (from my perspective, of course!)

What is IVF?
IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization. It is the process where the egg is fertilized outside the womb (in vitro). The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process, removing eggs from the woman's ovaries (called “retrieval”) and letting sperm fertilize them in a special fluid. The fertilized egg is then transferred to the patient's uterus (called “embryo transfer) with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.

How is IVF different from IUI?
IUI stands for Intra-Uterine Insemination. Sometimes IUI is also called “artificial insemination.” With IUI, the ovulation process is again controlled, but the egg is not removed from the body. The sperm (which is “washed” in a special way and has the slow ones removed) is injected directly into the uterus with a catheter, giving both the sperm and egg a higher chance of actually meeting.

What about the injections?
For this IVF cycle, they started me on Lupron, which I injected into my abdomen every night with an insulin syringe. The Lupron suppresses the cycle and prevents premature ovulation. It basically puts me into a menopausal-like state. During this time, I went to the fertility office for ultrasounds and bloodwork about every 5 days. They watch the hormone level and the uterus lining and the ovaries. When everything looks good (the ovaries are calm, uterus is calm) they start me on Follistim (follicle stimulating hormone gonadotropins – FSH), which I also inject into my abdomen, that stimulates the ovaries to produce eggs... lots of eggs. Once the Follistim starts, they check my ovaries and hormone level every other day or so until it is at the level where the eggs have grown to a good size. Once we get to where the eggs and hormones look good, I do the “trigger shot.” This final injection is human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) makes the ovaries release the eggs into the fallopian tubes in the next 48 hours or so. For IVF, I would go into the doctor 36 hours after the trigger shot so that the eggs can be retrieved before they are released. This injection also requires mixing the ingredients and filling the syringe. And this shot is usually the most painful – it burns and is often sore for days. And yes, I gave myself all of the injections except the trigger shot.

How do they check the hormone level and the follicles?
The hormone level is checked by a simple blood test. They draw a tube of blood every few days and send it to the lab. The results are returned that afternoon.

For the follicles, a trans-vaginal ultrasound is used. They ask me to go to the bathroom before the test and strip from my waist down. I always ask if I can keep my socks on. At my last appointment, I asked if they wanted us to empty the bladder because it interferes with the ultrasound or because the ultrasound tech doesn’t want to get peed on. The ultrasound tech said that she’s had every kind of bodily fluid on her at some point, but that they ask you do empty the bladder for “patient comfort.” I lie down on a padded table with my feet in stirrups. The trans-vaginal ultrasound is performed with a tube-shaped probe that is completely covered by a lubricated condom and inserted into the vaginal canal.

How do they retrieve the eggs for IVF?
With IVF, I would go in before the eggs are released, exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot. Then they put me out with general anesthesia (like a colonoscopy) and they transvaginally go in and retrieve the eggs with a long tube and a needle – they use an ultrasound to guide them and with the needle, they draw the eggs out of the follicles. They hope to get at least 8 eggs. It is very uncomfortable, so you are given pain medication and also antibiotics.

Then what?
The eggs would then be incubated with the sperm and hopefully be fertilized. They will probably take at least one of them and actually inject the sperm into it (intracytoplasmic sperm injection or ICSI) in case that is the problem (that the sperm can’t get through the egg wall).

The fertilized egg is then put into a special growth medium and left until it reaches the 6-8 cell stage (usually 3 days after retrieval). The embryo quality is then determined based on number of cells and evenness of growth.

The number of embryos transferred depends on the the number available, the age of the woman and other health and diagnostic factors. In countries such as the UK, Australia and New Zealand, a maximum of two embryos are transferred except in unusual circumstances. But in the U.S., embryo transfer is based on individual fertility diagnoses. Most ethical clinics will transfer 2 embryos in women under 35, and 3 in women over 35. This is to minimize the risk of multiple pregnancies which can be risky for both mother and baby(ies).

The embryo transfer is very similar to the insemination – the embryos are inserted into the uterus with a thin, plastic catheter.

OK, what kind of pain/discomfort are we talking here?
The injections are not that bad, in my opinion. It’s a little stressful, especially filling the syringe and trying to minimize air bubbles and whatnot, but the needle is very small and is barely a pin prick. The only one that is difficult is the last one, the trigger shot. It usually burns going in and often leaves a welt and a painful spot for several days.

The blood draw is similar, just a pin prick. And the trans-vaginal ultrasound is only slightly uncomfortable.

I am not a fan of the speculum, so the insemination part is never fun for me. It is painful and uncomfortable. At this last insemination, she had to readjust it several times to get access to my cervix and I had some bleeding. I hold my breath the whole time the speculum is being used.

I also tend to experience a great deal of cramping and abdominal and back pain during the ovulation. There have been times when I’ve spent 24 hours laying in bed crying from it.

And I feel extremely bloated for at least 2 weeks of the process.

Emotionally, it is a roller-coaster. One day, the eggs aren’t growing optimally, the next day they are doing great. The hormones make me a little ditzy and forgetful, and I do tend to be close to tears for the final 3 days or so of the injections. I ask people to be patient and nice to me, as I am extra fragile during this process. Pretty much every cycle I think to myself, "I am not doing this again..." but HOPE always wins.

And the cost?
The most expensive parts are the shots and the procedures. Of course none of it is covered by insurance.

For IUI, a single cycle costs around $3000, most of which is the shots. The Follistim costs about $200 per injection. The procedure itself is about $500. Additionally, there are the office visits, routine blood tests and ultrasounds.

For IVF, the entire cycle is around $12,000. The procedure itself is about $9,000 and the remaining costs are the shots and supplemental medications as well as the office visits, routine blood tests and ultrasounds.

This baby-making is BIG business!

What are the odds?
For IUI, success rates are between 20 and 60 percent. There are many differing opinions on the success, obviously, and different factors affect the success rates.

For IVF, the average success rate is about 35%, with a live birth rate of about 27%.

There is a 10-40% chance of my conceiving twins or more with these fertility drugs. While this would normally be an exciting blessing, multiple pregnancies for me would not be a good thing since I have incompetent cervix and I am at risk for miscarriage, premature birth, and other complications with even one baby, let alone more than one. I had to sign a waiver that I would consider selective reduction of the pregnancies if it becomes necessary for my health or the health of the baby(ies).

What Now?
The insemination was this past Friday. Now we wait 2 weeks to see if it worked! Twice a day, I give myself a vaginal suppository called Prometrium to help the uterine lining. I've had some abdominal discomfort, but it is getting less each day. I'll keep you posted!

Clucked Up

2009-03-12T12:59:00.006-04:00

At an appointment this week, I went to use the restroom in the facility. On one of the stalls was a sign. I have a thing for funny signs, so felt compelled to take a photo of this. With my phone, because that's all I had with me. And of course, as I'm aiming, someone walks in! I made like I was just texting on my phone, and when she went in the stall, I took the picture.

In case it doesn't come through, this is the translation of the sign:

Bathrooms.
Toliet.
is
Clucked. up.
Do not use.
Out of Orodor.

OK, there are certain understandable misspellings here. The word "toilet" is not easy to spell unless you made it through 4th grade. I understand that.

But the part that gets me is "Clucked up." Did they mean to say "F---ed up?" Is this a new word: CLOGGED + PLUGGED = CLUCKED?

Was there a chicken stuck in the toilet? Is that why it's all clucked up?

Why did the chicken go into the bathroom? To cluck up the toilet, of course!

It seems that every day there is more reason for me to lose my faith in humanity.

The Mams Have Been Grammed!

2009-02-28T11:06:00.006-05:00

On Thursday, I had my first mammogram. I always thought you were supposed to start having those at age 40, but my doctor wanted me to have it done before we start the IVF stuff.

When I made my appointment, they said that I should wear a "2-piece" outfit because you have to undress from the waist up (and presumably they don't want you standing there completely naked) and that I should not wear any deodorant, perfume, creams, lotions, or powder. Because my appointment wasn't until 2:55pm, it was a challenge for me not to wear deodorant that morning, but I did it. I was self-conscious all day, but I did it.

I got there a few minutes early to fill out the paperwork, including a form about if I was having any breast issues or if breast cancer runs in the family and all that stuff.

As soon as I turned that in, they called me back. I went into a little dressing room where I was to undress from the waist up and put on a hospital gown.

OK, so someone help me out here - are you supposed to put these things on with the ties in the back or the front??? I never know! I put it on with the ties in the back (but didn't tie it) and went into the exam room.

She asked me a few questions (most importantly if I was pregnant) and then had me slip one arm out of the gown. She lifted my breast onto a flat shelf on the machine, had me lean forward, and then lowered a clear plastic "vice-like" part that clamped down on the breast. It continues to press down until the breast is flat as a pancake. It is UNBELIEVABLE how flat they make your breast! I looked down and my boob looked like a dinner plate! The technician said to me, "Please keep your head up" which I think was just to keep you from freaking out about what your boob looks like!
The first scan was not as painful as I thought it might be - it was tight and uncomfortable, but it only stays clamped for like 30 seconds and as soon as the scan is done, it releases.

The second "position" was more uncomfortable - it was a scan of the side, so you kind of hug the machine and it clamps sideways. That hurt a bit - the technician said to "hold my breath" during the scan, but for that second position, I was holding my breath the whole time.

Before the second boob, I said to the technician that I thought I should get Mardi Gras beads because it was my first mammogram, and it was Mardi Gras week, and I was showing my boobs to a stranger! She chuckled a little and said that she was surprised no one ever said that before.

When I was having trouble getting in to the "position," she said that even though she knows what to do, she still has a hard time when she gets her own mammogram done. She also said that I have a "lot of breast tissue to work with" so that helps! I was like, "Why thank you!"

For the second boob, I put my arm back into the gown and took the other arm out. This always makes me think - why bother with the gown?? I mean, you're going to see and touch both of my breasts anyway, why not just let them be out there? I think it's just for the comfort and modesty of the patient, but I think it's ridiculous. It's the same at the gyno appointments - you strip from the waist down, get up on the table, and they give you this paper sheet to put over your legs. Um, hello? Yeah, you are going to have your head between my legs and will be all up in there in a couple of minutes - do I really need this ridiculous sheet? The doctor is going to see my most intimate of intimates, and I'm covering up with a paper sheet? For what?? Like I said, I'm sure it's for patient comfort, but I think we, as patients, need to start being realistic about the ridiculousness of these things!

After the second scan of the second boob, she wanted to look at the scans quickly, and while she was waiting for the computer to bring them up, I asked about this small glass wall, and she said it was "leaded glass" for her protection. I thought that was pretty cool, I'd never seen that before (usually the technician at an x-ray place or dentist's office goes back behind a wall or whatever). I said, "The Cleveland Clinic has the best stuff!" and she agreed saying, "Yeah, you should have seen the place where I worked before!"

All in all, the entire process took less than 10 minutes! I expected to be there for a while, but they got me in and out and on my way very quickly. They said my results will be sent to my doctor and then I'll get results in the mail in 2 weeks or so. And now I know, it wasn't that bad at all!

Second Annual Itchy Awards

2009-02-24T20:52:00.035-05:00

Here are my special awards from the Oscar fashions. To see my picks from last year, go to: And the Itchy goes to...

The "I'm not even really sure what is going on with this dress" award goes to Reese Witherspoon...

The "80s hair is in again, right? What? It's not???" award goes to Lisa Rinna...

The "WTF?? But what did we expect?" for a male award goes to Mickey Rourke...

The "WTF" award for a female goes to (I don't know who this lady is, the wife of some executive or something)...

The "Dive into the butter" award goes to Sophia Loren...

The "No one this skinny should have boobs this big" award goes to Sarah Jessica Parker... The "Always Stunning" award goes to Queen Latifah (and my apologies that I was unable to find a picture of her entire dress, but she still looks stunning)...

The "she looks GREAT and isn't even an actress" award goes to Anne Sweeney...

The "I guess you didn't learn anything from last year's Oscars" award goes to Tilda Swinton...
The "is anyone else as offended as I am that they call these beautiful children the 'Slumdog Kids' but they looked just adorable and age-appropriate" award goes to the "Slumdog Kids"...
The "I'm again not sure what to think here" award goes to Amanda Seifried...

The "pink done wrong" award goes to Natalie Portman...

The "pink done right" award goes to Alicia Keyes...The "beautiful sari-inspired dress really works, I love how it honors her culture and looks red-carpet-worthy" award goes to Freida Pinto... The "I actually kinda dig this look" award goes to Virginia Madsen...
The "not taking any chances, but looking very elegant" award goes to Diane Lane...
The "I didn't like your dress last year, either, even if you are a trendsetting beauty" award goes to Heidi Klum...

The "apparently the tabloids are wrong and she's not pregnant again" award goes to Angelina Jolie...
The "built in airbags (and I'm not just talking about her boobs and/or head)" award goes to Jessica Biehl...The "yeah it's different, but I think you look like a couch from an old-folks home" award goes to Mary Hart...
The "I know other people loved this but I think it's horrendous and what's with the belt??" award goes to Miley Cyrus...
The "lots of people hated this, but I really liked it" award goes to Amy Adams...The "I'm not usually a fan, but this is the first time I love what you're wearing" award goes to Penelope Cruz
The "complete hotness in anything (or nothing)" award goes to Daniel Craig...
And my picks for the best dressed at the 2009 Academy Awards:

Kate Winslet (I know, not everyone liked this, but I thought it was edgy and elegant)...

Viola Davis (I love this look, simple, stunning and the whole look just WORKS)...Jennifer Aniston (the best she has ever looked, IMO!)

Anne Hathaway (I know, I liked her look last year, too, but this is amazing)

Taraji P. Henson (unique and just beautiful! Quite possibly my favorite of the night!)

...

I'm Down With A1C (Yeah You Know Me!)

2009-02-24T19:05:00.007-05:00

Another Itchy Tingle health update...

Friday, I went back for another A1C test. My new number: 6.5!!! YES! 6.8 to 6.5 in 3 weeks, I am very proud of myself and my doctor was very pleased. So pleased, that he said we could start the Lupron shots right away if we wanted to, which would make the egg harvest in mid-March. Since I was still recovering from the cold, and knowing I'll have a lot of travel in March, I opted to wait one more month. That will also hopefully mean that my A1C number will be even lower, and the lower, the better.

Also, had our first marriage counseling on Saturday. Figure it's a good idea that we are getting along well and communicating before we have another member in the family. When this beautiful young lady came to the waiting room, I thought, "Oh please don't let that be our counselor!" But of course it was! She is beautiful, smart (working on her PhD) and likable! DAMMIT! Thankfully, I really connected with her, and Sean even opened up a bit, so I am feeling encouraged. It was only the first, "get-to-know-you" appointment, but I thought it went pretty well. I mean, she didn't immediately tell us to give up, so that's a good sign!

So, one more month and hopefully we'll be on the way to IVF.

Up next: my first mammogram and a "well woman" appointment (aka: pap smear).

IVF Update

2009-02-19T20:34:00.005-05:00

An ItchyTingle Health Report

Finally called the IVF clinic since I didn't get test results from the January appointment. Results:

Cystic Fibrosis = negative (I am not a carrier)
Sean's blood type = A+
Marcy's blood type = A+
Sean's STDs = none
Marcy's STDs = none
German Measles = I am immune
A1C number = 6.8

Tomorrow AM, I go in for another A1C check. They won't do the IVF if it's not under 7, but would ideally like it to be under 6. I'm pretty proud of myself because it was 8.8 in October and I've dropped it 2 whole points in 3 months through meds and better eating.

If the A1C is still dropping, I will start on the Lupron shots on Monday. Otherwise, we might wait another month.

Stayed home sick again today (nasty cold) and was productive in scheduling my first mammogram (my doctor would like that to be done before we do IVF, even though I'm kind of young), and a "Well-Woman" visit (as they call it). Also scheduled an appointment with my regular doctor as a follow up on the A1C and keeping my sugar down.

So, things are heading in the right direction, even if the IVF doesn't happen for a couple of months. Might be for the best - March is a high-travel month for me, would be difficult if I have ot do an egg retrieval in there, too!

Keep on hopin'!!

...

There's nothing wrong with me loving you

2009-02-14T14:58:00.004-05:00

Since Valentine's Day is so often celebrated with food of some sort (going out to dinner, chocolates, etc.) I couldn't resist sharing what I read today about aphrodisiac foods (this is from AOL Living). I've never heard of durian or rapini, but some of my favorite foods are on this list! Hmmmmm...

Durian
Durian is so offensively odorous that it is banned in most hotels and airplanes. But once you get past the odor, this "king of fruits" has a pulp that is said to taste like a rich custard. So is the alleged arousal worth suffering the stink? Perhaps… if you believe the famous Malaysian saying, "When the durians come down, the sarongs come off."

Nutmeg
Next time you're pouring nutmeg on your cappuccino, go easy! Although in small doses this piquant spice can cause a drunken, aphrodisiac effect, in large quantities (anything over four teaspoons), nutmeg can spur highly dangerous hallucinogenic reactions. But don't get any ideas: Intravenous injection of nutmeg can be fatal.

Green M&Ms
Although no one knows the true origins of the green M&Ms myth, it is theorized that it began back in the 70's, when students started feeding the green ones to their crushes. Mars embraced the urban legend, turning Green into a long-lashed sex symbol, and even creating bags of all-green candies for a Valentine's Day promotion.

Chocolate
The Aztecs were no fools! They coined chocolate "nourishment of the gods" when they noticed how their moods improved after eating cocoa confections. Indeed, as contemporary science has revealed, chocolate contains subtle traces of the mood-lifter Seratonin, which increases heart rate and induces feelings of happiness and love.

Garlic
It might be the last thing you want to eat before kissing someone, but garlic is said to stir sexual desires. In fact, the fragrant bulb is so famously amorous that Tibetan monks were once forbidden from entering Monasteries after eating it. And it's no urban legend: Modern science has confirmed that garlic improves blood circulation, in turn enhancing sexual performance.

Oysters
When we think aphrodisiacs, oysters are often the first delicacy that comes to mind -- but do they live up to the claims? Well slurp away, lovers. Science has granted credence to the sensual shellfish's aphrodisiac reputation -- oysters are high in zinc and aspartic acids which, in fact, increase testosterone levels.

Avocado
The Aztecs are responsible for the avocado's standing as an aphrodisiac, and again, they were on the money. The buzz started because avocados hang from trees in pairs, which prompted the Aztecs to call the fruit "Ahuacuatl" (which translates to, er, "Testicle tree"). But indeed, avocados are rich in vitamin E – the same nutrient that makes asparagus famous for friskiness.

Asparagus
Even beyond its suggestive shape, asparagus boasts a natural sexual booster. The popular spring veggie is rich in vitamin E, which is thought to stimulate production of sex hormones.

Tarantula
Although the people of Cambodia started eating tarantulas out of necessity during the food-scarce communist regime, they went back for seconds when they discovered the venom worked as an aphrodisiac. Today, deep fried tarantulas – which are gooey on the inside – remain a regular menu item, ripe for the epicurean adventurer.

Snake
In Eastern countries, snake is the king of aphrodisiacs. The slithery creature is said to enhance the yang (or hot, excited energy), making it not only a potent medicine but also a libido enhancer. In China, snake meat is a restaurant delicacy, and in Vietnam, snake wine – venomous snake steeped or mixed in rice wine – is readily available to boost romance.

Truffles
Highly coveted truffles' intoxicating quality isn't in their taste, but their smell. Allegedly, the musky scent stimulates the skin and mirrors male pheromones (which explains why sows seek them out in the wild). Others theorize that truffles' appeal lies in the loaded price tag – up to $500 per pound! – making them the diamonds of mushrooms.

Rapini
No matter what you've heard about its passionate power, the bitterly flavored rapini, also known as broccoli rabe, might not be your first choice for a romantic meal. And although the ground seeds of various plants in rapini's Brassica family are believed to increase virility, the overarching theory on this veggie's rep as an aphrodisiac is that it's merely a marketing ploy to get people to eat it.

Alcohol
Alcohol may lower your inhibitions, but it does not inherently raise your sex appeal. In fact, alcohol is a depressant that tends to slow the sex drive. As the porter in Shakespeare's Macbeth tells us, it "provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance." The one exception is red wine, which increases estrogen levels when drank in moderation.

Crocodile
In Thailand, the most erotic of eats is stewed crocodile. The long-held belief is that anyone who eats crocodile takes on the giant reptile's spirit and aggression. Although there is no scientific proof that eating crocodile will put you in the mood, the meat does have many feel-good substances like natural antioxidants and Omega-3.

A couple of interesting V-Day facts:

120: Number of single men to every 100 single women
The US Census Bureau counts 120 single white men in their 20s (never married, widowed or divorced) for every 100 white women the same age. The odds differ by race: Hispanics are 153 per 100; Asians are 132 per 100; and African Americans shift down to 92 black males for every 100 black females in the same age range.

20-30: Percent higher condom sales
All those romantic gifts and dinners may put couples in the mood, but the good news is that they're being safe. Condom-maker Durex reports a spike in condom sales of about 20-30% around the holiday. In other V-Day sex news, reportedly more home pregnancy tests are sold in March than any other month.

...

Contemplating Peace

2009-02-08T15:12:00.001-05:00

Human Nature

2009-02-08T13:40:00.006-05:00

At the park on Friday, I went to a place where there was an observation deck for observing animals and birds in a big field. It was very serene, and very empty.

I've found that with the camera, I spend a lot more time looking up and out, and not looking down (which is what I tend to do when I'm walking, making sure not to step in anything or lose my footing). As I came back to the car after spending an hour or so at this spot, I looked down. And this is what I saw...

I kind of chuckled, thinking someone had enjoyed this spot, and at least they were being safe. When I got in the car and looked out the window, here's what I saw, a few feet away...

So then I took this one, to complete my photo essay of Human Nature, which shows the proximity of the items.

I guess there's always a little bit of human in nature.

...

Leaving

2009-02-06T09:00:00.005-05:00

I don't know if it was Girl Scouts or what, but I learned somewhere along the way to always leave a place better than you found it. In Girl Scouts, this meant that you clean the cabin before you leave, even if it was a mess when you got there.

Today, I leave the place where I've been staying. I am washing the sheets, towels, and dishes, vacuuming, packing my stuff. It makes me a little sad. I love it here. This space has been healing for me, a place of respite. I am so grateful for the friends who let me stay here, so much so that when I think about my gratitude I get tears in my eyes.

This space was full of good karma when I got here. It is a warm and beautiful home, open and light, and you just feel good when you are in it. And to have it all to myself for this week has been a gift like no other.

Coming in to a place so wonderful already, how do you leave it better than you found it? It was very clean when I got here, so I can clean. But I'm not sure how to leave it better. The only thing I can hope for is to leave some of my own good karma, my gratitude, my revelations, my openness, and hope the next residents here will feel those things.

It got me thinking about the lives we touch - do we leave people better than we find them? Are we gentle with the people we meet, knowing they are only ours for a short time?

Sometimes we take for granted the people who should mean the most to us. Those who are closest to us never seem to get the best of us - they get the worst. It's a phenomenon I never understand when I look back and see that I've done (and continue to do) it.

I truly believe that the people in our lives are there for a reason. Sometimes they are only there for a short time, sometimes they are in our lives for a lifetime. But they always bring something that we need in our lives for the time they are with us. Maybe it is a sympathetic ear during a job you didn't like. Maybe they settle in your heart so that even when you go for long periods of time without talking, they are still there, so the next time you connect it's like no time has passed since the last time.

Even people who bring pain into our lives have a reason. Maybe it is to shake us out of our lethargy so that we can find energy for living. Maybe it is to show us through adversity the strength in ourselves. Think about the people who have hurt you - what did you learn from that experience? That is their reason.

Likewise, our gifts are meant for the people whose lives we weave ourselves in and out of. Maybe for a lifetime, maybe for a moment. Are the gifts we share leaving people better than we found them?

I've been singing a song by Sara Groves a lot lately, called "Loving a Person." The part of the song that always hits me is:

"Loving a person just the way they are, that's no small thing.
That's the whole thing."

I'd like to add a verse to that song:

"Loving OURSELVES just the way we are, that's no small thing.
That's the whole thing."

Maybe by loving people, things, and ourselves the way we find them - no matter how we find them - is real love. Loving the dark and the light, the sweet and the sour, the quiet and the loud, the hot and the cold, and finding beauty and appreciation for all of it. Maybe that's how we leave things better than we found them - by loving them just as they are.

...

The photo above is the space where I journaled every morning.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-02-05T21:44:00.008-05:00

Where your pleasure is,
there is your treasure;
Where your treasure is,
there is your heart;
Where your heart is,
there is your happiness.
- Saint Augustine

Why do we feel guilty about feeling good? Why do we save the things that give us pleasure for special occasions?

It's a paradox - we feel guilty about feeling good because we feel like we are taking away from someone else. But we feel guilty about feeling bad, because, as we tell ourselves, someone else always has it worse.

Aren't we all in the "pursuit of happiness?" Isn't that what so many feel is the meaning of life - to just be happy? Why then do we talk ourselves into feeling bad about it when we finally get there?

Most philosophers agree that happiness and pleasure are byproducts of the things we do. As they say, it's the journey, not the destination. Even Aristotle talked about our pursuit of pleasure, noting that as humans, we are incapable of continuous pleasure because we are incapable of continuous activity - and pleasure is what comes with the activity.

In Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl put it this way:

"Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the byproduct of one's surrender to a person other than oneself."

John Stuart Mill, the utilitarian philosopher, said:

"But I now thought that this end [one's happiness] was only to be attained by not making it the direct end. Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness[....] Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness along the way[....] Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. I continue to seek things that give me pleasure, wanting and hoping to be "happy." To think of pleasure as a byproduct seems to lessen it somehow to me. But I do agree - at least for me, happiness is found in the happiness of others. And most often, we find happiness when we are not looking for it.

I like to think of our emotional "stuff" (our "baggage") like a backpack we always have with us. We are taught that, to be happy, we are to take that backpack, dump it out (to a friend, or a therapist, or a family member, or a random stranger in line at the grocery store) and then leave it where we dumped it. But that doesn't work. Why? Because we have memories. There are too many things we can't leave behind.

I like to visualize working through my emotional stuff in this way - I take my backpack, dump it out, and try to sort through the things I need or don't need for the rest of the journey. There are some things I can leave behind forever. There are some things I'll hold on to, "just in case." There are some things that I know I'll need. And there are some things I am just not ready to let go of.

The best I can do sometimes is to toss a few things to lighten my load, and the rest I put back in my pack in a more organized way. It helps to sort through things, because it makes it easier for us to find the things we need when we need them.

A lot of the things in our backpacks are things we need - they are the things we've learned that keep us safe, that help us navigate the trail, that shelter us and nourish us and comfort us. When we go through difficult situations, we carry the tools from that experience in our backpacks. Sometimes we also carry things we won't always need, like the feelings of hurt, which we'll let go of if and when we're ready.

After losing my son, I experienced an early miscarriage a few months later. It was a setback, for sure, bringing back the memories of losing my son, of my body's failure, of the guilt at having such a hard time carrying a pregnancy. But when I talked about that experience, I talked about tools. I compared it to digging a big hole. When I lost Eroll, I had to dig the hole by hand. Every day, digging a hole with just my fingers and fingernails. It was hard, painful work. But through it, I learned to make my own tools. When I had the miscarriage, I still had to dig a hole, and it was still hard, painful work. But now I had a shovel. It didn't mean I didn't have to dig the hole, I still had to do the work. But now I had tools.

I like to think that many of the things in our backpacks are just that - tools that we've learned to create along the way. For many of them, we just never know when we might need them.

So, do we have tools in our backpacks that give us pleasure? (cue gutter-thoughts here) Do we carry things with us that make us happy?

Pleasure is thought to be an individual experience - what gives me pleasure may not be the same for you. Pleasure can be found in pretty much any physical, sensual, emotional, or mental experience, at least by someone. I find pleasure in music, writing, food, sex, relationships. Some people find pleasure in exercise, public recognition, drugs.

I don't want to get into the meaning of life or what makes us happy. I guess what I wonder is, why do we feel guilty when we feel pleasure? Pleasure is part of the human experience, we are hard-wired for it, and every one of our senses is capable of experiencing pleasure as well as pain.

My theory is that we feel guilty because we feel by receiving pleasure, we are taking it away from someone else. I wonder what it is about our culture that makes us feel that way. Why do we feel ashamed about feeling good? As long as your pleasure does not cause someone else to hurt, why not do it?

I don't like the term "guilty pleasures" - if something gives you pleasure, embrace it. If you aren't hurting someone else, don't feel guilty about it. There is so much about the universe that gives us pleasure. I think denying that, closing our eyes to the experiences that make us feel good, is where we should feel guilty.

...

Cracks

2009-02-04T12:27:00.011-05:00

"There is a crack, a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
- Leonard Cohen

I find it beautiful that no matter how you try to shut light out, it has a way of getting in. Closing a bedroom door at night, with a sliver of light crawling in from the bottom of the door. Drawing the curtains, only to be awakened by a piercing sun beam stabbing its way through the crack between them.

That's the amazing thing about light - no matter what we do, it has a way of getting in. We can close our eyes or draw the shades tighter and try to shut it out. Or we can throw the curtains open and embrace it.

After I lost my son, I was in a very dark place for a long time - at least 18 months. Nothing looked or felt right, like a fog or an old black and white movie with specks and lines in it. I was a ghost of a human being. I am sure seasons changed, the sun shone, but I don't remember it. All I remember is gray.

There were lights that tried to get in, but they were too bright for the dark place where I was, like the pain your eyes feel emerging from a dark theater into bright sunlight. There was one light that I let in, because it was new, and it healed me. It was the light of my nephew who, in allowing me to love him and loving me in return as only an infant can, healed me in ways I never could have found on my own. I read once that to heal from grief, find something you love and love it.

Losing my son broke me, shattered me. I had been broken and cracked before, as we all experience in life, but never shattered. I visualize myself and all lives as vases. Beautiful, fragile, capable of holding so much. My vase for sure had chips and cracks. But losing Eroll was like someone had picked me up and thrown me violently to the floor.

If you've ever broken something like that, you know that pieces fly everywhere - some so small they are never recovered. And pretty much every time something is shattered like that, it is a lost cause. Irreparable. Best to sweep up the pieces and put them into the trash.

Thinking of a life shattered like that, it's not hard to see and understand why some people never recover. Can you imagine taking those tiny pieces - thousands of them - and trying to put them back into what they once were?

I like to believe this is what I did and am still doing, fully knowing and acknowledging that the vase of myself will never be the same. There will be scars of the brokenness, there will be pieces forever missing.

Before this retreat time, I found this quote that I posted:

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." ~Barbara Bloom

I have always found beauty in brokenness, but I am not sure that I did that, filled my cracks with gold. I think I've tried to smooth over the cracks, to make it appear that I was whole, normal.

I had a revelation about 18 months after losing Eroll. Driving home from work, on a gray day in a gray city, I realized that I could allow Eroll to be a cloud over my life, a dark place I could not get out of. Or I could choose to let him be the light in my life. I didn't want people to see my anger, bitterness, and depression and say, "She is that way because of her son." I wanted people to say, "She is loving, compassionate, and joyful because of her son." This day was a turning point in my healing and in my coming alive again.

Cracks are always thought of as negative. They are places where we experience leaks, where we lose things, where there is a risk of further breakage, of weakness, where things can get in, or get out.

One of my favorite spiritual teachers is Sobonfu Somé. She came to the U.S. from Burkina Faso in West Africa and is a voice for indigenous wisdom and spirituality. At a new age bookstore, I impulsively picked up the last they had of her book, "Falling Out of Grace: Meditations on Loss, Healing and Wisdom." (From what I've found, it is now out of print, but if you watch, you can find it on eBay).

In her book, she defines grace as the state every being strives for, living harmoniously, progressing toward the purpose we are meant for.

Somé says we must be broken, sometimes many times, before we can experience grace. And this brokenness, this falling out of grace, is a gift.

She also teaches that when we feel we have fallen out of grace, when we feel we have been broken, whatever event or person or feeling that caused it is trying to tell us something. It is in that place, that person, that feeling, that we must focus, because that thing that jolts us out of our complacency, that thing that breaks us, is where we find our true purpose, our happiness.

Maybe the thing that breaks us, that causes cracks in our vase, is the one thing that lets the light in, that opens us to where we are meant to be, even when we are blinking and teary-eyed from its brightness.

There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.

...

Every Life Needs a Direction

2009-02-03T16:35:00.009-05:00

I am so glad I have a GPS on this journey. My Garmin has helped me explore a bit, knowing I just have to press "home" and it will guide me there. Sometimes when I'm using it, I see a sign pointing to some place I want to explore, so I take a different road. When I do this, it always says, "recalculating" and tries to tell me to turn left or turn right to get back on track to my originally programmed destination. This week, since I've been alone and quiet so much, I've started talking back to my Garmin. "Turn left" she says. "NO!" I shout. "I'm not going to!" Yes, I've been talking out loud to the Garmin.

When I started using the Garmin in December (it was an early Christmas present from Sean) I was amazed by its accuracy. At the same time, I wish it gave you affirmations throughout the journey, like:

"Turn right here. Good job!"
"Arriving at destination. You made it!"
"You're doing great!"
"You're almost there!"

It just seems to be a guide that never lets you know how you're doing - unless you miss a turn!

You can choose other voices and other languages on the Garmin, but the default one really sounds best to me. It's a pleasant female voice, even if it is pretty unemotional. The other two American English choices are very monotone and remind me of the way they portray Stephen Hawking on Family Guy or a Speak & Spell (which always had an evil sound to them, if you ask me).

So, when I've programmed a destination, but choose to explore, and the Garmin urges me to turn left and I don't, and it "recalculates" and tells me to turn again, I have to turn it off, often saying out loud, "I'm making my own way!" Of course, I can be pretty bold knowing my electronic guide is just a button push away.

I woke up this morning to a voice. It said, "Every life needs a direction." My eyes opened. It was 7:00am.

I wrote this down (because we should always listen when a voice speaks so clearly) and went back to sleep (because if you know me, you know I am not getting up at 7:00am unless I have to!). I knew this statement would be something I would ponder later.

When I was on one of the roads at the park the other day, I came to a place where the road went in two directions. I wasn't sure which way I should turn, so I just went to the right. As I came to the park exit, I saw that either direction would have led me to the same place since the road was a loop.

I've always felt this way about choices - that more often than not, whatever we choose leads us to the same place. That a choice made with the heart is never wrong, even when it might hurt later.

Most of us travel on roads that are not our own. There are road signs showing us how we "should" travel on the path. Certainly, some signs are there to keep us safe. But on the road of life, we are constantly met with signs that were placed there by rule-makers who came before us. They are things we were taught growing up that have become part of what we now believe - that we get (or don't get) what we deserve, that life is scary and painful, and feelings of shame, of guilt, of powerlessness, of fear.

All of these become the rules of our personal roads, even though we had no choice in making them. But, when we grow up and become the caretakers of our own roads, we do have choices. If you could visualize your path, your road, what would it look like? Would it be full of potholes and lined with signs? I doubt anyone would want that to be their personal road. Mine would be a gently curving path, lined with grass and trees and flowers and plants, with some shade and some sun. Of course there would be a few signs, just in case someone else was on my path, so they would know how to behave. My signs would be simple - a few arrows showing where to go, a couple of signs pointing out significant places along the way, and one rule: no hurting any living thing. This, of course, is the "ideal" path for me, not the one I really have.

When some friends were trying to sell their house, they did some work on the yard to give it curb appeal. It looked great, but one thing was bothering them - an ugly, rusty, metal "no parking" sign on their tree lawn. They had started working it back and forth to loosen it and they told me that they were going to remove it in the middle of the night. Sure enough, a few days later the sign was gone and you would never know it was there in the first place. Yes, this is probably illegal in some way. But it was their house, they had no choice where the sign would go when it was placed there, and they were just trying to make their home more beautiful. This was two years ago and no one has said a word since.

I'm not saying break the law - but when we're talking about your metaphorical road, it is YOUR road and you get to make the rules of your road. If you've ever tried to remove a road sign (ahem, not that I have) then you know the pole is deep, sometimes cemented in the ground, and requires a lot of rocking back and forth to loosen it. Some of our road signs are going to be like that - the hardest ones to remove will be the ones that say how life "should" be - how WE "should" be. These signs are rusty and old from generations of use.

Some people may not ever feel a need to remove their signs. But if you've felt negative feelings of guilt, fear, anger, bitterness - whatever sign is making you feel that, whatever "rule" you think you've broken, needs to be torn from your road. Those signs will never lead you to a place of happiness.

Listen to your voices - the images, feelings, sounds, names, songs, and faces you can't stop thinking about. Those are the places where you will forge new paths. The things that make you feel most alive are the places where your heart longs to be. The "good" feelings are your direction. And every life needs a direction.

So, grab some work gloves and a shovel and sneak out to your road. Start listening to your heart and the things you crave from life. Start making your road one you want to be on. Don't worry - your heart is your personal GPS that will always lead you home.

...

A Meaning for Melting

2009-02-02T21:32:00.012-05:00

Another bright, sunny day! As more and more earth pokes through the ice and snow, I hear dripping and sliding from the roof. Melting.

When I feel down, depressed, low, I often equate it with feeling like I'm melting. Sliding from a solid, stable form to a puddle - shallow, dirty, small. I think I tend to see melting as something negative, a dwindling or fading away of something.

Melting is essentially the changing of forms from solid to liquid. In science, they even use the word "reduces" when referring to the change from solid to liquid. And the change always requires a catalyst. Like today, it is the sun and warm air melting the ice and snow.

I think my everyday existence is to be frozen. Solid, unmoving, and resistant of change. What freezes me into that state? Probably routine, the daily sameness, laziness, apathy, busy-ness.

I long for more liquid days, I long to be melted by the things that warm me into fluidity. My catalysts are found in giving and receiving - love, passion, music, peace, nature, light. There are far too few of these things in my life, but when I have them, I melt. I go from stagnant solid to flowing fluid, moving, pulsing, reaching, quenching.

Unlike the sun, our catalysts are rarely just given to us - they must be sought and sometimes asked for. So it's often easier to stay frozen solid and in a state of being where we are hardened to hurt. Being frozen is easier in a lot of ways. But how can we inspire if we are jaded? How can we relate with others if we are unmoving? How can truly live if we are bound up in ourselves?

By melting, we allow ourselves to be transformed into a different way of being. There is both a gentleness and a power to being liquid. Both a grace and a terror. But in liquid, there is life - there is motion. From tremendous waterfalls to ocean depths, from the drip of a melting icicle to the slow slide of a single tear. These are the places where we find beauty and inspiration.

But to be that, to do that, is to give in to the melting. To allow ourselves to take the risk of being changed even when the transformation might be, and usually is, painful. I wonder if the melting ice cries out in its final moment before it turns to water. If it does, I imagine it also feels a great sigh, the relief of releasing a tear, as it rolls on.

Sunlight is silent and sometimes we may not realize we're melting until the last frozen bit of ice is all that is left in our warming puddle. Maybe we cling to that piece, that last shard of our solid selves. Or maybe we surround it with our slowly warming waters, and all that it was - and we were - changes. Our molecules remain the same, we remain who we are. But our state of being has changed and in this new state we are capable of more - to move, to flow, and even to change again.

We may return to our icy state at times when we need to protect ourselves or when we're overwhelmed, or even when we fall back into the routines of life. But we never know when the sun will shine and melt us once again.

While I long to be liquid, I also long for the blissful moments when I am air, part of the atmosphere. To throw back our arms with abandon and breathe out until our entire being is exhaled and we are able to expand as far as we allow ourselves, weaving in and out of one another until we barely recognize ourselves, or each other. It is in those moments that we feel most connected with ourselves and the universe, and those moments are rare.

Which is why so much has been written about such things - finding our bliss, our nirvana, our purpose. What if our purpose is ever-changing? What if there are times when we are meant to be solid, when what is habitual for us enables the routines of the universe?

There will be times when we need to melt, to quench our parched and withered roots, curled and cracking from so much winter. And to sate the thirsts of others, to prepare their dry earth for seeds of their own.

When we find a place where the liquid of ourselves perfectly fills the fracture in another, or the dry riverbed of a need, that is when we exhale. And it is like finally releasing our breath after holding it to a point of pain.

It is the ecstasy of release where we linger until we are gathered up to begin the cycle again, collecting us as a cloud and falling as a gentle rain or soft frozen snow.

...

Flight

2009-02-01T13:32:00.008-05:00

This morning, the sun is shining again. It is about 40 degrees already and the world here is melting. I watched the birds for a while - well, I heard them more than saw them. They were chirping and chattering over a small hill where I couldn't see them, and their little heads popped up once in a while. It sounded like there were many, maybe 50, and one I saw was a robin. It got me thinking about flight.

When we think about flight as a metaphor, at least for me, it's something beautiful. It is freedom and letting go, being inspired and taking wing, taking off to the sky only when blissful and free.
For the birds I just saw, flying was about fear. Something startled them, a larger, more dominant bird of prey, a small hawk I saw settle into a tree. We envy that birds have the ability to take to the air, to leave all the dangers of the earth and soar.

What makes us fly?

What if, like the birds, the thing that makes us fly is fear? What if we only soar when something invades our comfort zone, forcing us to seek immediate safety? Baby birds often only learn to fly when pushed from the nest. Have I pushed myself from the nest? Have I flown in search of safety?

In some ways, I guess I have. But I also wonder if I've flown to a different kind of place - just as frightening - where I am forced to be alone with myself and confront the scariest thing of all - ME.

I pushed myself from the nest. I startled myself into flying. I was frightened by the darkness, the deep downward spiral of self-loathing. When I saw myself react out of fear, I had regret. And those times seemed to become more frequent, so that I was moody, unable to react with clarity. Flying... with no place to land.

A spiritual healer I saw several times in Arizona once told me that we all react out of either fear or love. Sometimes pain causes us to respond in fear. And that often makes us feel more pain, more fear, and inflict that upon others.

She shared the example of walking in the woods with her dog. The dog stepped in a bear trap and his leg was caught. When she rushed to help, he turned on her, growling and snapping. Looking back, she knows her dog loves and trusts her - but he was reacting out of fear and pain.

Where are my bear traps? In the times I've snapped and snarled, what was the fear behind it that kept me from a reaction of love and clarity?

I've learned to see people who are angry, hurtful to others, bitter, and all-around negative as broken people. This realization has helped me to look at people whose actions I don't understand with compassion rather than hatred. For people who have let their brokenness define them, I wonder what broke them? What shattered them into so much confusion that every human interaction they have is dysfunctional? My heart aches for their brokenness - and in that change from disgust to compassion, I move from fear to love.

I think about people in other lands who have been broken by injustice, circumstance, disaster, or systems of power that rely on hurt and fear. And the citizens who suffer, aren't they human like me? I have been broken by suffering and hurt - but I am also surrounded by systems and people to heal me. I wonder at the desperation one must feel to think that a suicide bomb is the answer. How desperate, how deep the hurt, how profound the fear, to think that is the only way.

I guess it's human nature to seek revenge when one is wronged. And sometimes, like the dog caught in the the bear trap, we lash out and hurt those we love the most, because the fear and pain are so immediate.

I have hope for this world and my life - but it is because I live in a place where systems exist to heal, and I am blessed by people in my life and heart who love unconditionally.

In observing healthy relationships, I've learned that each must be whole as individuals before being whole as a couple, a family, a community. And we can't force others to be whole, but must work on our own wholeness and provide opportunities for others to find theirs.

This is not to say any of us are ever really whole. But how can we expect to have healthy relationships without being healthy individuals?

It is in the times of fear and flight that we come alive, and times of darkness are sometimes the push we need to renew our spirits. What frightens us, what breaks us, are sometimes what we need to learn who we really are.

Like birds, sometimes fear makes us take flight - and our fear is increased as our wings get tired and we don't see a safe place to land.

The blessing for me? Everywhere I look, I see branches.

...

Wonderful Forgiveness

2009-01-31T21:50:00.006-05:00

To my friends who like the fun and funny posts, this is not one of those. Please stay tuned. Itchy Tingle will eventually return to regular programming.

After a tough, congested night with a plugged up ear-hole, I wondered if I'd be able to do anything today. But I got up, turned on some classical music, and dug into the books I brought with me to my undisclosed retreat location. (OK, some people know where I am, but shhhh...)

I grabbed a couple of books with prayers and thoughts and affirmations and what kept coming up was the theme of forgiveness. So I went with that today. After reading a few things, I decided to start my day with my own affirmation. I pulled out my completely empty, shiny Wonder Woman journal and wrote. Here it is (and keep in mind, I'm not trying to be "full of myself" but I'm trying to be more gentle in my self-talk).

I am wonderful
full of wonder
and others wonder
and are inspired by me
I am beautiful
and I weep at the word
I am open
I am hopeful
I am the deep snow
with its glittery smoothness
tainted by footprints
I am here
fully here
I love without regret
I give without expectation
I am expansive blue
and blinding white
and soft green
I am moving
and doing
I laugh with you
I cry alone
I am a song
with lyrics ever-changing
I see you
because I know me
And today
I forgive.

I went on to write a few pages about forgiveness. About how we don't seek forgiveness because we think we deserve it. About the person I have the hardest time forgiving - myself.

Maybe that is what has blocked me from forgiving - that I do not feel it is deserved. Maybe that is why I don't feel I can forgive myself - because I don't believe I deserve it. So I deal with the guilt and hurt and put myself in a prison of not deserving anything good.

The guilt and hurt I feel are not for things I had choices in, because I make my choices out of love. So why do I feel I can't forgive myself for things I had no control over? I guess because I think I should have. That phenomenon of "should." I should have been there. I should have known. I should have tried harder. And if I had done what I "should" have, would the outcome have been any different?

So, why forgive? Why forgive someone who isn't sorry? Why forgive myself? Because not being able to forgive blocks my own healing. Maybe forgiveness is choosing to continue to love someone (including yourself) even though you've been hurt.

And what if you can't forgive God/the universe? What if, at the time you needed God's embrace, you only felt abandoned? I don't have an answer for that. I've never been a person of blind faith.

Maybe by forgiving myself, I am letting go of the pain the universe inflicted. Somehow I'm able to forgive others before they ask, and sometimes when they never do. Forgiving has helped me heal from the hurt of others. But what about the ways I've hurt myself?

Today, I want to begin the first steps toward forgiving - letting go of the pain and putting love into the space left behind by the hurt leaving me.

I forgive you
I forgive me
we are forgiven.

...

I took the photo above at Caesar Creek State Park where I spent several cold hours today.
...

Sabbatical Soundtrack

2009-01-30T22:01:00.003-05:00

This song has been going through my head a lot this week, and I think the lyrics are pretty appropriate for my retreat time right now...

ANGELS ON THE MOON by Thriving Ivory

And on the Third Day....

2009-01-28T19:53:00.008-05:00

Today's big thing: our first IVF appointment!

The day began with another billion inches of snow that fell overnight and continued to fall. We thought we'd be late to the appointment at the fertility center, but we were only a few minutes late, and pretty much everyone else was running late, too.
First, we met with my doctor. Since we have done several rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination), a lot of the things about IVF (in-vitro fertilization) are the same - like the shots and monitoring the cycles with ultrasounds and blood tests. For IUI, they stimulate the growth of my eggs and inseminate with sperm directly in the uterus. For IVF, they remove the eggs, fertilize them, and then watch them grow for a couple of days before placing the best ones back into the uterus.

Today's appointment was a long one - almost 3 hours - so they could go over everything with us and do tests. In the consult part, Dr. G. went over my chart, how my eggs developed during the IUI, Sean's sperm count, how I responded to the shots, etc. He went over the risks, of course, including ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and the risks that come with the egg retrieval. Even though the chances of these things are slight, they have to tell you.

Dr. G. wanted me to get a pap test and mammogram in the next month or so, and wanted to make sure my A1C number was under 6. Since I've had insulin resistance issues in the past (daignosed PCOS), and recent trouble with my blood sugar, this is important to get in line before I get pregnant. When my A1C was taken in October, it was 8, which is high. Since then, I've been much more careful about my sugar and carb intake, and I've started on a new medication to help keep it all in control. I'm hopeful that the A1C number will come back low.

I asked about the incompetent cervix, and Dr. G. said that my OB/GYN Dr. K. would for sure do the cerclage early on once I was pregnant. Dr. G. did not feel that the incompetent cervix would affect my chances with the IVF. He did feel, however, that, even though they usually implant 3 embryos in women over 35, they would only implant 2 or maybe even 1. I would be high-risk carrying just one baby, and two would be very risky. Three would likely be impossible and Dr. G. said if I were to become pregnant with triplets, that I might need to make a difficult decision early on. I think Dr. G. and I agreed that we would be more comfortable with implanting 2 embryos. Of course, this is also something we will decide once we see how they grow.

We also had to sign a bunch of releases, stating that we understand the risks involved in the procedures. These were very similar to what we signed for IUI. We also had to sign forms indicating what we would want done with the embryos if something should happen to us or we got divorced. We had to spell out what we would want done with the frozen embryos if I was to die, if Sean was to die, if both of us died, and if we got divorced. Any extra embryos that look good will be frozen in case we need them later.

Since I've already done many of the fertility tests like ultrasounds, hysterosalpingogram (HSG), ultrasounds, endometrial biopsy, etc., we are kind of ahead of the game on some things. So, next I got to "undress from the waist down" (Sean laughs at me because I always ask if I can keep my socks on because my feet get cold!) get into the stirrups, get the dreaded speculum, and Dr. G. did some swabs of my area to test for STDs and did a mock transfer where a thin catheter is inserted into the uterus to measure its depth and to determine how to insert the catheter with the greatest ease during the real embryo transfer. This was not any more uncomfortable than the inseminations I'd already been through.

I got dressed, and we went back to the waiting room until we were called by the fertility nurse. She sat down with us to tell us the expected protocol that we would follow and when we wanted to start after all the test results came in. She set the orders for the blood tests we would need and how we would have to pay for them. We went back to the waiting room until called in for the blood draw.

We decided to test for Cystic Fibrosis, so they test one of us for that. If one of us comes back positive, they will test the other person. I offered to be the testee for that, so they drew about 5 vials of blood from me, 2 vials from Sean I think. What they will test for from both of us: HIV, Hepatitis B and C, and syphilis. From me, they will also do blood typing and the A1C test for my blood sugar. From the swab they took from my vagina and from Sean's urine sample, they will test for chlamydia and gonnorhea. So, our bases should be pretty much covered!

Back to the waiting room, then we were called back to the fertility nurse, who went over which shots we would get and when. More on that later.

Back to the waiting room again, then Sean was called to give his semen sample. He goes into a private room (it cracks me up that they tell you that the door locks and everything! I would hope so!), they give him a beaker (and they always say that you are NOT expected to fill it!), some surgical-grade lube (so as not to contaminate the sample), and there are some Playboy magazines in a drawer.

While I was waiting, the nurse came out and said she forgot to have them do the Rubella test for me, so I would need to come back some time, and I said I wanted to do it today. They test for Rubella immunity to prevent birth defects in case I become pregnant and was exposed to Rubella. The nurse was very apologetic and felt bad that I'd have to give more blood, but it wasn't THAT much. I was a blood donor, this doesn't even come close to that. So, I went back to get the blood drawn and when I came back out, Sean was back from doing his sample and we were free to go.

As for my protocol, I am to call when I get my period, and then on day 21 of the next cycle, I will start on Lupron, which I take with injections daily. When I get my next period after that, I will continue on the Lupron and will add the Follistim (to help more eggs grow) that I did with the IUI. At that time, they will start monitoring the cycle with blood work (to monitor hormone levels) and ultrasounds (to check follicle growth on ovaries) every 2 days or so. When they get a few mature eggs, I will do the trigger shot exactly 36 hours prior to coming in for the egg retrieval.

For the egg retrieval, I will be sedated (very similar to when I had a colonoscopy). They use an ultrasound to guide a needle through the vagina to reach the ovaries and draw the fluid from the follicles into the needle (and with the fluid, the eggs). They like to retrieve at least 10 mature eggs. My first IUI I had about 10 mature eggs, but the second was a lower number, so we'll see.

Next, they will take Sean's semen (usually given that morning) and, similar to IUI, remove the seminal fluid and any inactive sperm. They put the sperm and egg together (about 50,000 sperm for each egg) and let them get to know each other for about 18 hours. Hopefully at this point, one sperm will be a good match for the egg and they will join in fertilized bliss. Then, the fertilized eggs will be moved and left to grow for 48 hours or so until the egg is in the 6-8 cell stage.

The quality of the embryos is determined and then the "good" embryos are transferred within 3-5 days after fertilization. The transfer is much like the IUI insemination, where a thin, plastic catheter is inserted through the vagina and past the cervix. Several embryos may be implanted to improve the chances, but for me it will likely not be more than two embryos. After the transfer, they want me to take it easy, laying down for an hour or so before going home, and then taking it easy for a few days. He said, "No strenuous exercise" to which I said, "that shouldn't be a problem!!!" hahaha

For now, I wait to get my period, get a pap test and mammogram, and wait for the test results (which I expect should be fine, just a bit worried about the A1C).

So, another big day in my world! Keep sending those happy thoughts. Today I thought, "Wow! I just might have a baby THIS YEAR!"

KEEP HOPING!!!!

(Note: image above is entitled "Fertility" by Keith Haring)
...

Second Day of the Rest of My Life

2009-01-27T20:08:00.003-05:00

Some inspiration for the journey...

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." ~Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." ~Japanese Proverb

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken." ~William Stafford

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” ~William Allen White

“All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.” ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

"I existed from all eternity and, behold, I am here; and I shall exist till the end of time, for my being has no end." ~Kahlil Gibran

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." ~Barbara Bloom

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ~Anais Nin

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

"Put yourself in a state of mind where you say to yourself, 'Here is an opportunity for me to celebrate like never before, my own power, my own ability to get myself to do whatever is necessary'." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." ~Vincent Van Gogh

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

2009-01-26T17:46:00.004-05:00

Lately, I've been in need of a "break." Some time off from my life, from everything. Toward the end of last year, I had a hard time emotionally and came close to the breaking point. I told my therapist that I considered checking myself into an in-patient facility, and she told me that unless I had a knife in my hand, they wouldn't take me. Um, thanks? Maybe not an institutional secret that you should share...

Anyway, today is the first day of my "break" of 3 weeks. I had hoped to take a study leave, which I am entitled to next year, but it was not to be. When this was denied, I was devastated. But my super-cool boss helped me find a way to still take some time. So now, I'm officially on vacation! But I'm determined to make this time have a purpose and to hopefully come back to my life with renewed enthusiasm.

My super-cool boss gave me a card and a gift and told me not to open it until this morning. The card said:

On this day you begin an adventure of fun, discovery and journey. I wish you
the green of early spring
the humor of nature's wonders
the explosion of white into rainbows of delight
and a peace that goes far into the days and nights!
Have a delightful experience of BEing!

The gift was a hanging crystal prism. She's so creative, and what a great way to start my time away.

I let the weekend be a regular weekend, which was fun - enjoyed the nephews' Little Gym performance, and had a great dinner out with friends. I wanted today to have some kind of meaning, even if it was just a small sense of accomplishment. Sean finished painting the kitchen and we started putting the kitchen back together. We shortened the weird counter that juts out (if you've been to my house, you know what I'm talking about) and it looks great. Sean's done a great job on the kitchen and it's so much brighter and cleaner now. That, combined with the dent I'm making in the laundry has given me a sense of accomplishment.

But the big thing I did today? I emailed the mother of my older brother. The brother I never knew I had until a few years ago. The brother who my dad has still never told me about, even though he knows that I know. I asked her if he would be open to being in contact with me. She said she'd let him know and we'll see.

For me, this is big. This is a long time coming. I've had a gamut of emotions. Mostly, hurt that I went through years and years without knowing that someone who should have been a part of my life wasn't. I felt a bit like I'd been lied to all my life. And I am not sure I can forgive my dad - not just for not telling me, but for giving up his son at a young age and never seeing him again. I wouldn't blame this new brother if he hated my dad, and if he hated my younger brother and I for getting to grow up with his father.

So, I guess I'm just putting it out there that I'm open to communicating with this brother who I wonder about, who I feel I missed out on getting to know.

As they say, no one ever regrets the things they did, just the things they didn't do.

And I know it's a cliche, but I'm tired of waiting and wanting. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I choose to make it count.

You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere!

2009-01-19T11:19:00.030-05:00

Like most kids in the 70s, I grew up playing with the standard toys of the era: Legos, Star Wars figures, Smurfs, Dukes of Hazard cars, Tinker Toys, and of course, Barbie.

When I would get a new Barbie, the first thing I would do is make it naked. It's never too soon to see what's going on under there. Of course, there wasn't much that was "anatomically correct" about these dolls.

Since my best friend and her sister played with my brother and I, my brother had a Ken doll so he could fit in with all of us girls. Poor Ken - he had to go on dates with a lot of high maintenance girls. Poor Ken - his head popped off all the time. Whenever the Barbies wanted to play soccer, we'd pop off Ken's head and we had a ball.

Sometimes we'd include my best friend's brother's full-size GI Joe in the dating game. Joe had apparently spent too much time in the bathtub, ahem "hot tub," with the Barbies, because the pull string in his back that made him talk only made him garble. especially since Joe had a Jeep and that was a bit more intimate than the other vehicle at Barbie's disposal - the Barbie RV.

I had all sorts of dolls when I was growing up. I was one of those lucky girls who got a Brooke Shields doll on my 10th birthday. Once I liberated her from the box and got her naked, I was never able to get her tight Vidal Sassoon jeans back on her rubbery legs. And that fuzzy pink sweater? That was lost almost instantly. Her hair was out of control! You couldn't do anything with that hair, and she spent most of her doll-life with a big, sloppy-looking pony tail.

I also had a Princess Leia doll. Not an action figure, a DOLL. I still have her, but of course she was well loved and so not in great condition. The thing I loved about her was that her body proportions were actually kind of normal - her boobs weren't too big, her waist wasn't too thin, and her feet were actually in proportion to her body and were FLAT, as opposed to the perpetually pointy-toes of Barbie. But all of this meant that none of Barbie's clothes would fit on Princess Leia, and therefore she spent a lot of time in her white Star Wars gown or in Ken's more girly-looking clothes, since she was more Ken-sized. I remember a vest playing a large part in her wardrobe. And Leia's head was big, too - even Barbie's stretchy knit winter hat wouldn't stretch over her gargantuan melon.

Another feature of her wardrobe were brown plastic rings that made her hair into those two buns on the side of her head. Early on in Leia's life with me, I managed to lose one of those bun-makers. So, being the creative child I was, the other bun-maker became the Barbie toilet for the dolls. After all, their bed was a tissue box, so imagination was important in these days.

In these days, we didn't have those sweet light sabers kids have now - we used wrapping paper tubes. One time, my brother and I mounted the wrapping paper tubes to our flashlights, you know, so they would really light up. We were young and didn't think it through. After we had somehow taped the flashlight to the tube (with masking tape, because no way was mom going to let us use the expensive clear cellophane tape!), we realized that the light was not going to shine THROUGH the cardboard, and only a small amount of light made it out of the end of the tube. An important lesson learned. Eventually, we graduated to using a retractable metal tape measure, which, in addition to being able to retract just like a real light saber, would nicely slice into the flesh of your opponent.

Back to Barbie toilets, I guess my potty fascination began early. When I was about 7 years old, they came out with this pink Barbie toilet. The exciting thing about this toilet was that it actually flushed! You put water into the bowl, and when you lifted the lid, water was pulled into the tank. When you put the lid down, the water was pushed back into the bowl. This kind of technology amazed me at a time when the only video games I knew were Pong, Simon, and Fabulous Fred. I think the toilet also came with a little pink towel and a non-functioning sink.

One of the first Barbie's I had was a Sun Lovin' Malibu Barbie. She had REAL tan lines, which I soon learned meant that her tan was painted on. She also came in a bikini and cool mirrored sunglasses - two items of fashion I myself never owned.

My brother's Ken doll was a Malibu Ken. Ken didn't have tan lines (one of a few things he didn't have...), but he did come with a nice green swimsuit that he pretty much lived in since he didn't have any other clothes for a while. You can probably tell by the picture how easily his aforementioned head could pop off.

When I was a kid, one of the real treats about going to downtown Cleveland was the toy department in Higbee's. I think it was on the 7th floor, and they had toys that we never saw anywhere else. One of my favorite parts was the Barbie section. They had Barbies representing all different areas of the world, and I just loved that. I always picked out the ones I wanted, always from exotic places like India or Japan. I never actually owned one of these Barbies of the World, but I now see that my interest in global affairs began at an early age.

Later in life, when I was considered an "adult" my doll fascination continued. I now own the "X-Files Barbie and Ken" as well as the "Wonder Woman Barbie." Thanks to my childhood best friend, I also secured all of the Queen Amidala dolls from Star Wars. Suffice it to say that none of these have emerged from their boxes.

One of my prized dolls is a Pirates of the Caribbean pirate doll from Disney. Since my favorite rides at Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom have always been Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion, one Christmas, I received a Barbie-sized pirate doll inspired by the ride. This was years before the movies, so this is not a "Johnny Depp" pirate. I thought it was hilarious because the pirate really looked nasty! Of course, when I received him (and yes, this was a gift I received in adult-hood) I immediately made him naked. Much to my chagrin, he was no more anatomically correct than good old Ken. I have scoured the internet for more information about this pirate, but was unable to find anything other than the movie merchandise, so I may need to dig my own pirate doll out of the attic to share him.

The inspiration for this blog entry came from the following two articles, disturbing as they may be:
Barbie Creator's Racy Sex Secrets Revealed
Bild Lilli Doll - the Inspiration for Barbie

Also, many of the links in this post will take you to funny stuff related to that item. Just another service I provide to my faithful readers.

...

Just one more thing to give me nightmares

2009-01-18T14:34:00.007-05:00

Lebanon farmer grows super-sized spud
(Dec. 6, 2008, Middle East Times)

TYRE, Lebanon

A farmer from Lebanon couldn't believe his eyes when he discovered he had grown a prize-winning potato on his land, saying he was hoping to enter the Guinness World Records.

"This giant weighs 11.3 kilos (24.9 pounds)," Khalil Semhat said at his farm in the Tyre area, 85 kilometres (50 miles) south of Beirut.

"I've been working the land since I was a boy, and it's the first time I've seen anything like it."

Semhat, 56, said he had not done anything special to cultivate such a super-sized spud. "I didn't use any chemicals at all," he insisted, adding that he had to ask a friend to help him haul the huge tuber out of the ground.

Now he hopes the find will get a mention in the famous Guinness Book of Records, and said he will send in the details for possible inclusion next year.

He said he was "very proud" to have grown the enormous specimen on his farm, which took a pounding in 2006 during the war between Israel and Lebanon's Shiite Hezbollah movement.

Look out Snuggie! Here comes Cabin Cuddler!

2009-01-16T22:16:00.004-05:00

And you thought Snuggie was bad! I couldn't believe it when I received an email for the "Cabin Cuddler."

I travel a lot. I'm on an airplane an average of once a month. And I'll be honest, when I've grabbed one of those airplane pillows, I've thought to myself, "I wonder whose head was on this before I got here. Are these things ever washed? Sprayed down with disinfectant?" The same goes for the blankets, although I'm more cautious about where I put my head since my body is usually protected by a clothes, hence no skin-to-blanket contact.

I do own one of those goofy U-shaped neck pillows, and yes, I do use it. It really helps, but I only bring it with me during longer flights - or long car rides.

The Cabin Cuddler looks even more like a restrictive device than the Snuggie. And I can't figure out, is it one piece? 2? 3? Frankly, I'm not even sure how you get into this thing, and in the event of an emergency, how you get OUT! The website is completely devoid of any information about this product except that it's supposed to keep you warm on an airplane and how to order it.

And an inflatable pillow comes free? Who would REALLY be inflating a pillow on an airplane? You'd look like a complete dork! Although it would really come in handy in the event of a water landing. No thanks, I'll take the booklight that comes with the Snuggie! My seat cushion doubles as a flotation device, I hear.

As for keeping your feet warm with the "patented foot pocket" - I generally do not remove my shoes on airplanes.

Furthermore, I am rarely cold on airplanes. I get SO irritated by all those shivering morons on airplanes. I have one thing to say to people who get cold a lot - BRING A SWEATER WITH YOU EVERYWHERE! If you get cold in meetings, appointments, airplanes, movie theaters, restaurants - BE PREPARED! I am hardly ever cold, most of the time I'm burning up. Nevertheless, I still keep both a wrap and a sweater in my office at all times and bring one with me when I travel.

When people complain about the temperature, they expect someone to adjust the thermostat. I HATE THAT! Listen, if you are cold, you can put more layers on - I can't take any layers OFF! Well, I could, but I doubt others on the airplane or in the meeting would appreciate it!

This is not to say I'm hating on people who complain about this cold weather. It is unnaturally cold outside right now, and I hate it, too. -8 degrees? -25 with the windchill? That is just too cold to even comprehend. But if we have to go out in it, we are prepared, right? I'm wearing two pairs of socks today and two shirts. I even wore earmuffs AND a hat AND the hood of my coat.

So, whatever it takes to keep you warm - Snuggie, Cabin Cuddler, Slanket, whatever - just be prepared people. Be prepared!

All bundled up and sno-where to go

2009-01-11T19:46:00.014-05:00

Yesterday and today, my husband and I went to the park to take photos of the snow scenes after many inches of snow were dumped on us. I estimated that we got about a billion inches of snow... well, maybe 2 inches less than a billion.

Nonetheless, the snow was fluffly and sticky, which made it very pretty. And it's close enough to Christmas/New Year that I still find it kind of pretty. And also, I didn't have to shovel it.

We have a new camera and we have both been experimenting to learn how to use it, so the serene snowfall is perfect for experimenting.

As we were driving through the park looking at the natural beauty, there was one car that was pulled over. My husband goes, "I think there's an animal over there..." and sure enough, there was a little ball of fur and a kid and a man from the car were walking over to it. We drove on, turned around, and stopped near the animal. It was a raccoon. I hopped out and walked somewhat close to it to take photos. It was eating something, but didn't try to run away, so I think it might have been sick. When I was reviewing the photos, I think he was eating pretzel sticks. It made me sad that he might have been sick. Here's the picture of the raccoon...

We drove a little further, hoping to stop by the creek and take some pictures. A lady in front of us was driving very slow - it was kind of slippery - and then she put on her hazard lights and started slowing down. And then she pulled to the side of the road... and slid. Because only the actual road had been plowed and not the shoulder (or as we call it, the "elbow"), she slid in the heavy snow piled at the side of the road.

My husband, who was driving, passed her, which was when I realized she appeared to be stuck. I said, "Oh no, I think she's stuck!" and he kept driving. He said, "Do you want me to stop?" And at this point, she started getting out of the car and I knew she was really stuck. I think my husband would have kept driving, but I said, "I think we should help." After a brief hesitation, he stopped and started backing up down the road.

I got out and said, "Do you need help?" and she said, "I think I'm stuck, I was trying to find a place to turn around..." Then she yelled to someone in the car, "You are going to need to drive the car so I can push!!" Then she started banging on the window and said, "Get the F--- out and help me!!!" And then this kid who was MAYBE 10 years old, gets out of the car and I decided in my head that we were not going anywhere until they were unstuck.

I told her that my husband and I could push, she could get in and drive. She was really hyper, and we realized later that she was probably on something. She kept saying, "This stupid little car..." and, "My husband is 71 years old and he can't come out because I have the car!" and, "We should have never come out in this..."

She said they had gone to the sledding hill (the same one we always went to growing up) and when she saw a kid injured, she decided she and her kids were leaving, but she apparently got a little lost on the park roads and couldn't find a place to turn around. A younger daughter was also in the car.

We started pushing, while she put the car in reverse. Then we pushed the back while she put the car in drive. Back and forth we went, just inching the car forward and back and barely able to get traction in the deep snow. Just when we thought we got her moving, the car would slide to the right and further into a ditch. When she was spinning her wheels on grass and mud, we decided there was nothing more we could do - the more we tried, the further into the ditch she slid. We even tried digging out the tires with our hands, but it didn't help.

She was cursing out the car, and I asked if there was someone she could call. She said none of her friends or family live nearby, and her 71-year-old husband was at home, but she had the car. I started thinking we should call a tow truck or maybe we could give them a ride home or something, when a park snow plow came by. I started waving my arms so he would stop and I think it was pretty obvious what happened because when he stopped he said, "I'll call a park ranger to come help."

As we started waiting, a passing car slowed and stopped to see if we needed help. The car was full of teenagers and one older lady (well, she was probably just a little older than me) who was probably one of their moms. I said, "I think she's pretty stuck..." but the kids were like, "We have to try!"

About 5 teenagers got out of this car, along with the mom-person. The mom-person got in the driver's seat, which was probably good because the lady who was originally driving the car obviously didn't know how to get her car out of a stuck place (as in, speed up when you get traction, rock the car back and forther, etc.). We all started pushing and these great kids were really getting the car moving, but still it was sliding to the right.

I sent my husband to move our car, because I just envisioned her car shooting forward and into our car and wanted to give her room to get back on the road. One of the kids told another kid to help him push by the front right wheel, the one that kept sliding into the ditch. Within seconds, we all had the car back on the road!

As the car moved forward, one girl went flat into the snow, which was pretty funny - she was covered! But she was OK and just laughed (the kids were on their way to go sledding anyway). We wooped it up, and the lady thanked us all, hugging us and everything.

The kids piled back into the car and I jogged back to our car. I could see my husband pulling out the camera quickly to try and capture some of the experience on film.

I was frozen and soaking wet, but we drove to the next turn-around and parking spot and got out to still try and take some snow pictures, even though it was getting darker. The lady was there, probably trying to compose herself, and the kids were sledding on a smaller hill.

The snow plow driver came back through and we told him that we got her out, so he radioed the ranger so he wouldn't be looking for the stuck car.

We walked in the snow and took some neat pictures for another 1/2 hour or so. But I was so cold and wet, soon I couldn't feel my fingers and couldn't even take pictures anymore, so we called it a day.

I never expected so much excitement today, but I should have known the day that would get interesting when weekly hair removal ended in triage, and the 95th birthday party we attended was abuzz with the drama of some missing sherbet meant for the punch!

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the weekend. These 2 are from yesterday:

These 2 are from today:

One Wintry Day On Facebook

2009-01-10T21:03:00.012-05:00

With permission from those involved, I share this funny conversation that occurred last night on Facebook as we were all snowed in and on our computers. I've changed the names to just initials - I am "ME" or "M." Enjoy!

9:05pm January 9
S. is amused to find out that her husband and brother would both consider owning (and wearing) and Snuggie.

9:23pm January 9
C: That is HILARIOUS!!!! What color??????

9:24pm January 9
Sh: N. just sent me a bumper sticker earlier that says, "You can make your own Snuggie by wearing your bathrobe backwords." LOL... tell them they don't need to spend the money. :)

9:32pm January 9
S: that's how we got on the topic. they were both like, well, actually ... LOL!!!

9:32pm January 9
K: Wait A Minute, is the Snuggie that thing that is advertised on TV for staying warm without any part of your body being out? LOL. I guess if you get cold enough, anyone would where one, even the most manly of men. lol

9:33pm January 9
S: yeah, it's the blanket with arms ... too funny!

9:40pm January 9
ME: Husband and I were JUST talking about that because I've been wanting one for so long and tonight I broke out the space heater for warmth!

9:41pm January 9
ME: As I explained to husband, a robe is not the same, it's not long enough to wrap around your tootsies!

9:44pm January 9
S: point taken, but what's wrong with, um, I don't know ... a blanket? =)

9:45pm January 9
C: A blanket is not "manly". lol

9:46pm January 9
ME: See, I've thought this through - I have a blanket, but it goes over my legs and when I'm on the computer, my arms and hands get cold, so I end up with a blanket on my legs and a sweater or jacket on my arms and I just feel like I have too many warming accessories - I need the Snuggie so I don't feel like I'm suiting up for a space walk everytime I sit down on the computer.

9:51pm January 9
S: ROFL!! So a blanket with arms (ie: fuzzy straight jacket) is not constricting?

9:52pm January 9
S: And the mere fact that the boys get more outspoken about the topic has me near tears!

9:54pm January 9
ME: Thanks for the bumper sticker, LOVE it! I don't think it's as constricting because right now I feel like I can't even get up to answer the phone without taking off 6 or 7 pieces of clothing...

9:59pm January 9
S: OK, but what about the tripping hazard? I don't see you running to get the phone with that thing on ... I forsee an instant wrestling match, you versus the Snuggie to answer the phone before it rolls over to voice mail. "Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. I'm trapped inside my Snuggie. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can free my arms!" LOL!!!

10:00pm January 9
ME: LOL, good point! You're so funny! Well, at least if you order it, you get one free, AND the booklights! So 2 people in your house will be happy. Love the new flair by the way! hahaha

10:02pm January 9
ME: PS: Maybe if I get a Snuggie AND one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" medical alert buttons, I could cover all of the bases!

10:04pm January 9
S: that's TOTALLY what I was thinking!! Hillarious!! Forget the book lights! Throw in the medical alert buttons and you've got a deal!

10:05pm January 9
K: The strange part about this entire discussion is that it has gone on this long....the analysis that has gone into it, one would think that we were discussion politics or something.....boy oh boy, this is what happens when you are trapped in the house on a cold night in Cleveland. A Friday night at that! It's really sad! this is hilarious. lol. But, what I will add to this discourse is that if you decide to put the Snuggie on, do what I do because I am lazy, make sure the phone, laptop, tv remote, food, drink, etc is all either on the couch with you or on the table right next to you, within reach, that way you don't have to get up...and there will be no Snuggie accidents! lol

10:08pm January 9
L: I want a Snuggie too! I missed the whole conversation...lol! But I want one too!

10:08pm January 9
S: very true K. ... this is what happens when your trapped inside!! LOL!

10:17pm January 9
ME: I've been having so much anxiety about the Gaza situation, it's nice to focus on something like this and have fun with it, and yes, I have put a lot of thought into it, which is pathetic, but I've just been so COLD this year! Good advice K! I do the same thing, I have a whole setup with the remote and beverages and laptop... but sometimes I forget the phone... Maybe I need to have a checklist before I settle in...

10:23pm January 9
P: S, ask your husband if he remembers the group the Black Monks, that's what the snuggie reminds him of... he says that could be your husband’s new theme song.

10:28pm January 9
K: This is HILARIOUS! Every time you think the convo is about to end, someone throws a curveball...and L, you have to see the commercial for the Snuggie....speaking of reminders, do you know what it reminds me of?...Those scary people who drank the purple juice, I forget their names, but I believe before the drank it they were all wearing something resembling a Snuggie...M, you sure you want to get one of those? lol

10:32pm January 9
ME: Oh yeah, the Heaven's Gate cult! Those were the dudes with the Nikes and the purple robes! What a memory, K! OK, maybe I'm best to stick with my blanket and space heater... you guys have beaten down my resistance! Maybe I should send you my 20 bucks...

10:37pm January 9
K: Thanks you guys, I have truly laughed tonight! But I don't want you to be discouraged from being as warm as you can. I actually have a similar purple robe that is a pull over, but it's a little more attractive than the Snuggie, but if the Snuggie get's the job done, Do what you gotta do, I'm just saying, the next time you see that commercial, think about the purple juice...It just looks "un-sexy", and they are trying so hard to make it look cool! lol, but I guess that's why you are wearing it inside the house and not outside because if I see anyone out on the streets in one of those...look out! lol

10:51pm January 9
N: The Snuggie can be as sexy as you make it...A little hide and go get it under the snuggie----HELLO!!!...M, I say you get one, I almost ordered it my darn self! ;-)

10:54pm January 9
K: WOW! I didn't think about that, but yeah, whatever works! Get it M!

11:05pm January 9
ME: Oh yeah, I like that idea! I'll be in nuthin' but my Snuggie and some high-healed black boots!! Maybe some earrings, we'll see...

11:05pm January 9
ME: Oh, and my "Me So Horny" mug would just be the frosting on my "M Snuggie" cake!

11:06pm January 9
N: ROFLMAO, YOU go girl!!!!!!

11:07pm January 9
ME: I can't wait to post THAT profile picture! LMAO!!!

11:15pm January 9
K: Yes, you must, you can get in different Snuggie poses, show your Next Top Model skills and then you should send them to the Snuggie people. lol, let them know we had an ENTIRE convo about it on a cold Friday night

9:41am January 10
S: WOW! I believe this is the longest thred I've seen on status! You guys are awesome!! And BTW, non of the comments have swayed my husband or brother ... they still want the Snuggies (and free booklights) ... so go for it M! You and your husband can have a Snuggie-fest (two words: Naked Gun). LOL!!

4:04pm January 10
ME: It's the longest thread I've ever seen, too! Mind if I put it on my blog? I think it's hilarious! I'll remove the names to protect the innocent or those in the witness protection plan...

4:50pm January 10
S: post away!

5:19pm January 10
K: That's what I'm talking about, you can call it "One Wintry Day On Facebook", lol

And a blog entry it became. The end… or is it??

Just a few more comments from me:

Yes, the people in the commercial totally look like cultists, especially this guy:

If you think the Snuggie is weird, check out this Laptop Body Sweater Wool Privacy Curtain. I want to believe that this is a joke, but I'm not entirely sure...

I am now thinking I will hold out on getting a Snuggie until they make them with a hood so it can double as an Obi-Wan Kenobi or friar costume. And keep my head warm.

Here's how cute I would look in a Snuggie - see, I could still do all my regular activities!

Finally, a link to the official Snuggie website and commercial, if you have not seen it:
http://www.snuggiesite.com

My new hair, again

2009-01-10T16:17:00.003-05:00

I realized that I haven't shared my new hairstyle with the loyal blog readers. I got my hair cut right before Christmas, and then got a flat iron to straighten my hair for Christmas. So, when I'm not too lazy to do the straightening thing, it looks pretty cool!

Best of 2008!

2009-01-08T21:33:00.001-05:00

Once again, I offer my personal list of the best and worst of 2008 (according to me, of course!

Click here to read 2007's list if it interests you

BEST AND WORST OF 2008

Favorite way to get a laugh: Flight of the Conchords (on DVD or CD)

Best album that I enjoyed from start to finish: Coldplay: Viva La Vida

Best movie I saw on DVD and best soundtrack: Once

Best place to eat that isn't new, but is new to me: Dewey's Pizza in Westlake

Favorite diversion that is killin' my Webkinz: Facebook!

Favorite new TV show: Fringe

Favorite TV show that isn't new, but is new to me: Ghost Hunters

Best old TV show that I never appreciated back in the day: Sanford and Son

Favorite old TV show I've been watching whenever I can: Twilight Zone

Favorite place to spend my money: http://www.woot.com/

Favorite gadget that I sleep with: iPod touch

Favorite gadget that I drive with: Garmin Nuvi 260W GPS

Favorite gadget that I have a lot to learn about: Nikon D80 Digital SLR Camera

Best trend: Making new friends and finding old friends who are new again! Thanks Facebook!

Best cure for depression: my nephews

Biggest cause of my depression: infertility

Something I was good at this year: making eggs (the ovary kind)

Something I wasn't good at this year: getting pregnant, controlling my sugar

Most exciting part of the election: voting for a winning presidential candidate for the first time in my life!

Most disappointing part of the election: the passage of Proposition 8 (and ones like it in other states)

Least favorite trend: teenage celebrity pregnancies

I end my list with HOPE for 2009 and a short video from Flight of the Conchords!

The Art of Receiving

2009-01-04T23:01:00.004-05:00

I was amazed to see these words on the cover of my recent issue of Ode Magazine: "The Art of Receiving - How to open your heart to the gifts of life." I thought, "Could it be? Someone else is exploring the fine art of gracious acceptance?"

During this season of giving and receiving, I encourage you to read my post from June of this year, called The Grace of Gratitude, and the Ode article, called The Art of Receiving.

The Ode article really helped me to understand the dynamics of giving and receiving a little better. It also mentions Sobonfu Somé, someone I have admired since I first read her book years ago. She is a teacher from the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso in West Africa who left her tribe to bring the teachings of her people to the West.

Some highlights of the article:

Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth
Giving and receiving are fundamental aspects of experience, connecting all life in an interdependent whole. Just as many of us long to experience moments of pure altruism, when we offer our hearts with no strings attached, we also long to receive deeply and freely, fully experiencing what it means to be given to—touched, nourished and even transformed by life.
There is a difference between receiving and taking
Receiving isn’t easy. If it were, more of us would do it with grace and gratitude.
The ability to receive is, in fact, essential to physical health, psychological balance and spiritual engagement.
We are taught that giving is better than receiving, so to receive would be embracing the "lesser" part
Scientists monitored the brain activity of volunteers while they played computer games in which they could win cash rewards and donate the proceeds to charity. Both receiving money and giving it away increased levels of dopamine, a hormone related to feeling good. But giving away money caused more activity, and released oxytocin, another “feel good” hormone associated with emotional closeness. The study suggests that giving is hardwired into our brains, making us feel good about doing good.
In a “you scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours” society, saying yes to a gift or a gesture more often than not means saying yes to unspoken obligations, not the least of which is to respond in kind.
There is a “spiritual” significance to the connection between giver and receiver. “One has no right to refuse a gift,” wrote anthropolgist Marcel Mauss. “To act in this way is to show that one is afraid of having to reciprocate."
There are several motives for gift-giving - such as the receiver expressing positive feelings, the giver maintaining power and prestige, and the giver promoting self-interest.
Many of us instinctively resist receiving because we sense the power dynamics involved, which reduce the receiver to the weaker position. Receiving empowers the giver - which is not necessarily a bad thing, and can boost the confidence of the giver in relationships of love and trust.
Guilt is one way our conscience responds to situations in which we feel we don’t deserve the good things that come to us. In the U.S., we have a basic belief system that we work for what we are given. To receive, we might need to leave behind the safety net of a work-equals-reward mentality.
Accepting may mean allowing for the possibility that we never had to deserve what we’ve “earned” in the first place. And if there’s no deserving, it means some things, at least, are simply free.
“One of the biggest reasons we don’t receive well is that we think receiving is going to take something away from someone else,” says Sobonfu Somé. “So we feel guilty accepting what we are given.”
When we receive deeply we’re receiving not just from an individual but from spirit itself. And when we receive from spirit, “we receive from an abundant source that can offer whatever we need.” Adds Somé, “There is always enough for everybody. Everything from spirit is free. There is no price in receiving. We don’t need to earn what we’re given. We just need to turn toward spirit with an attitude of service. So we can feel grateful, but there is no reason to feel guilty.”
Without receiving we can’t feel close to others. Receiving is very much about intimacy. When we receive a gift, help or a compliment, we feel a connection to the giver and they feel connected to us.
Receiving isn’t easy, because it means we’ve given up control, but the more you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable, which happens automatically when you’re receiving and giving up that degree of control, the closer you’re both going to feel.
Like giving, there is power in receiving, in saying "yes"
Receiving heals us individually, it is a medicine designed to heal and strengthen us. Being seen, loved and appreciated are just a few of the gifts that one can receive in relationships.
Sometimes we have to change our limited thoughts on the experience of giving and receiving - instead of thinking, "She is trying to control me" try thinking, "She wants me to be happy."
Life is a gift we receive each day, but the gift can be terrifying when we don’t get what we want or want what we get, when there is disappointment and even catastrophe. So we close down. And when we’re closed, it’s as though we are asleep to the gift of life.
There is transformation that takes place when we receive what we’re given, and discover the possibilities hidden in the pain. The gift in grieving for our losses, for example, is deep gratitude.
Health and creativity require equal measures of both giving and receiving - how can we really give to life if we haven’t received from life? Giving without receiving, doing without regenerating, is like burning the candle at both ends.

I hope during this holiday season, you were open to receiving the gifts you were given with gratitude and grace!

Ghosts of Christmas Past...

2008-12-25T16:25:00.007-05:00

Everyone gets a break at the holidays. Well, everyone except those who work in retail. TV shows play reruns, the radio stations play endless Christmas music, schools close, and a lot of folks take whatever remaining vacation days they have left.

So, like your favorite TV show, I'm going to do a "clip show" blog of Christmas blogs past. Enjoy these favorites from days of blog yore (well, mostly 2006...)

The Grace of Gratitude
The fine art of giving and receiving with grace

Santa Claus is Coming Tonight!
Santa Claus is based on a real historical figure! Really!

The Christmas Story House
Pictures and memories from our trip to the house from the famous Christmas classic!

It's a Wonderful Life!
One of my all-time favorite movies

The Annual Christmas Letter
My take on the brag letters sent with Christmas cards

Itchy JINGLE!
My favorite, and least favorite, Christmas songs.

Ugly Christmas Lights
The title says it all!

Christmastime is here...
Charlie Brown's Christmas

Please DON'T Let it Snow...
Except at Christmas!

What Makes the World Go ‘Round?

2008-12-18T16:14:00.006-05:00

The thing I love most about my birthday is that I always feel loved and appreciated! It's a major ego boost to have so many people just thinking about you on your birthday, isn't it? It's hard not to spend the whole day smiling, even if the day isn't what you expected.

My birthday today started a bit wobbly. I managed to wake up on time even though I forgot to set my alarm, so that was a good thing. But I had to take a shower in the creepy basement shower because the husband is working on the tile in the upstairs shower. I was dreading this experience, but it actually wasn't too bad. He cleaned the shower for me and it was kind of nice to get hot water almost immediately, being that the basement shower is in closer proximity to the water heater.

As I was getting ready for work, I got a phone call from the credit card company. Yesterday, they called me because some "suspicious" charges appeared on my account. Turns out, someone had been using my credit card number. You feel so violated when something like that happens. Luckily, the charges had not posted yet, so I called where most of the charges had been made and had them cancel the charges before they went through. I was also lucky that the total of the charges was under $100. This morning, they were just verifying some of the activity. My heart sure skips a beat when you answer the phone and it's the "Fraud Department" of the credit card company!

My commute was smooth, arrived almost on time to work, and when I got to my desk, there were presents and cards all over! Such a nice surprise, and my boss, who was out sick today, sent not only presents, but a tray of treats to share with the office in honor of the day! Next, I got to hear a hilarious story of a "set-up" date from a colleague, and she and another colleague took me out to lunch, which was very enjoyable.

It's been a nice, quiet day, and a "GOOD" day, even though a nap would have made it even better!

My boss sent me an e-mail today that said this, and I just thought this was a wonderful self-esteem lifter and wanted to share.

What Makes the World Go ‘Round?

Some say that:

Love makes the world go ‘round,
or
Music
Money
Wants
Denial
Geeks
Blogging
Cake
Chocolate, but
Moon mechanics literally make the world go ‘round

But I’d say, it is YOU, Marcy!

You move our information from paper to internet, from one person’s desk to those across the sea, from a personal letter to a widespread story, from hidden text to highlighted portions. You bring a smile, tell a joke, deflate tension.

I am celebrating at every opportunity, the ways that you make my/our world go ‘round, giving a sense of family, and fostering a light-hearted atmosphere... I am celebrating your ability to make our world go round today and in the days to
come!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Thanks to all for the uplifting thoughts and messages! I feel very loved!

Somebody's Been Wishing on My Star!

2008-12-08T21:44:00.005-05:00

As I crawl back into the land of the living after a nasty cold, I came across this unbelieveable news story about a 70-year-old woman who gave birth on November 28, 2008.

Here is the story:

Rao Devi, 70, holds her daughter Monday at the Hisar fertility clinic in India. She gave birth to her first child on Nov. 28 after undergoing in vitro fertilization. She said she and her husband had longed for a child during 50 years of marriage.

"We longed for a child all these years and now we are very happy to have one in the twilight years of our life," she said, according to the Telegraph.

The newspaper quoted Dr. Anurag Bishnoi of the Hisar fertility center in Haryana state as saying that Devi and her 72-year-old husband, Bala Ram, came to the facility for treatment. "Both the mother and child are in good health," Bishnoi said.

The doctor did not disclose whose egg or sperm was used in the procedure.

The Telegraph said Devi and her husband had been married 50 years. After 10 years of childless marriage, he wed his wife's sister, but there were no children from that union, it said.

The new father said he wasn't worried about what would happen to the baby if he and his wife died before she grows up.

"The upbringing of the child is not a problem. We have a joint family as is common in rural Haryana," he said.

Previously, the world's oldest mother was believed to be a Spanish woman. Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara gave birth to twins in December 2006, days before her 67th birthday. She allegedly admitted that she lied about her age in order to receive fertility treatment from a U.S. clinic.

So, this just amazes me. And makes me wonder why it's so hard for me to get pregnant! I can't wait for 2008 to be over. What a year. 8 months of fertility treatments, shots, ultrasounds, blood work, and, of course, BILLS for it all, then a miscarriage, not to mention some health issues, various sicknesses, and some mental health crashes, this year is one for the books.

I know that turning the calendar to a new year really doesn't matter, but it's one change that I'm going to embrace with HOPE!

Thank you for lettin' me be myself!

2008-11-26T19:34:00.006-05:00

This is a random, stream of consciousness list of things I am thankful for right now at this moment. This is in no way intended to be an exhaustive list, and it is not in any particular order.

Things I'm thankful for:

Friends - old and new and old ones that are new again.
Heat - including hot water. I don't know what I would do if I could not get a hot shower every day. And being in a warm house makes the cold weather a bit easier to take.
Elastic.
My job - I get frustrated and sometimes feel overworked, but I love my job. I'm so grateful I get to be involved in an organization I believe in, doing something that fits me, and working with people who are passionate and intelligent.
Hope - ever since K sent me a garden rock with the word "HOPE" on it when I first started trying to have a baby (almost 10 years ago, believe it or not), the word "HOPE" has been something I've carried in my heart as a personal mantra. And I connected with Savannah because she named her daughter Hope, and I loved that name. All over my house I have little ornaments with the word "HOPE" to remind me of the power of having hope, even when things look bleak. I'm hopelessly hopeful.
Nephews - my two nephews have filled me with so much love that I feel like the luckiest aunt on earth. I love those kids more than anything, they are smart and funny and cute and loving and just fun to be around. I'm also lucky to be an honorary aunt to some very special kids, who also fill my life with joy, even though I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. The children in my life have healed my heart more than anything else.
Family - yes, all families are dysfunctional in their own way, but we all love each other and that counts for something.
I've lived past 30 - I never thought I would. I don't know why, I just never thought I would live this long. So every day now is like a bonus!
Chocolate (I don't think I need to explain this one)
Clean water - after working with people from around the world, being exposed to advocacy issues concerning water, and traveling abroad to places where you CANNOT drink the water, I am aware of how lucky we are in the U.S. to be able to turn a faucet and have clean drinking water.
Being debt-free - S. and I have been able to pay off all of our debts this year and that is something I am so grateful for. I am very aware that it is not something that many folks can experience, especially in this difficult economic time and in the midst of foreclosures. After receiving an inheritance, we were able to pay off our house and loans. It's interesting that now that I can afford it, I don't feel like spending money. (But I did get a new camera and an iPod, for which I am also grateful...)
Sparkly stuff
Faith/Spirit - I am grateful for spiritual mentors and friends who have helped lead me to a belief that fits me. I'm thankful for those who have listened to my theories and theologies, my questions and questions and questions, my anger and bitterness, my desire to have answers and understandings. There isn't a name or religion-label to put with what I believe, but I'm finding a spiritual comfort zone, and I am grateful for that.
Music - I could not live without music. When I did my uterus collage, I put music notes in the ovaries, and my mom said, "Of course your ovaries would have music in them!" I love that I continue to find music that moves me. I love music. My iPod sleeps closer to me than my husband.
Sake and Clonazepam - two things that help me get through the tough days (besides friends, crying, and sleeping). Sake is a new discovery for me. That will likely be a future blog entry.
Sense of humor - I may not be interesting or funny to anyone else, but I find myself pretty entertaining! My self-deprecating humor is a self-defense mechanism. My sarcasm is often a way of telling the truth. I'm so glad that I am able to laugh and find humor in life. There was a time when I never thought I'd laugh again.
Forgiving before being asked.
Realizing that if you act with love, you can't go wrong.
Eggnog milkshake season is here again.
Quiet - I think some people might be surprised to know that I crave quiet, but I do. As I've dealt with things in my life, being alone and quiet has been more than a desire - it is a need for me. Doing anything with other people for long periods of time is very hard for me - I need a break from talking and engaging. Sometimes I take a bath and sink my head down under the water to cover my ears, close my eyes, and just listen to the water and my heartbeat. It's about the only time when I'm not thinking about something.
Hugs.
Google Maps.
That I've somehow managed to lose 27 pounds this year, and even though some was not intentional, some was, and I am feeling better physically and emotionally as I've gotten some health issues under control in the last few months.
Febreze.
That even though the universe did not create me beautiful, it did create in me the ability to see and appreciate it in the world.
Porn (yeah, I said it)
Oceans and rivers and lakes and ponds and puddles that quench my thirsty soul.
Deserts and grass and mountains and parks that dry me out when tears overflow.
Independent movies and music.
That there is no limit to my capacity for love.
The kindness of strangers.
Flushable wipes.
Grilled cheese at my favorite restaurant, Pickwick & Frolic (they make it with Gouda and bacon!)
A month without a plane ride.
Facebook (yes, I'm addicted - but it has also brought special people back into my life and helped me connect more)
That art is as meaningful as science - and just as important.
The right to vote.
Really nice, helpful people as cashiers, drive-thru order-takers, and pizza deliverers.
That fat women like me now have more clothing options than muumuus.
Orgasms.
That there always seems to be a rest area just when you need it.

and YOU!

Dropping a Blog

2008-11-23T21:14:00.017-05:00

This blog entry is dedicated to B-Tom (yes, that's what I'm gonna call you now because it sounds cool), who inspired it with his comments on my blog. His comments made me think about all the euphemisms we have for pooping.

There are some that are more universal than others, like:

dropping a deuce
pinching a loaf
catching up on some reading
disposing of some hazardous waste
dropping a log
dropping the kids off at the pool
making a deposit at the porcelain bank
paving the Hershey highway
releasing the demons
taking a load off your mind
dispensing some Soft-Serve
exorcise the demons

Some funny ones I've never heard of, but of course someone on the internet has posted (note: I will not post or use the derogatory ones):

bombing the Oval Office
dancing with Deuce Bigalog
full moon over troubled waters
helping the groundhog find his shadow
launching a corn canoe
negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
updating the captain's log
backing the bus out of the garage
cleaning out the vertical file
clear out some inventory
colon bowlin’
make a Cleveland steamer
make a donation to the porcelain god
open up a can of soup
visit fortress of solitude

Wait a second! Why are so many of these derogatory references to Cleveland??

My patented term, by the way, for having diarrhea is: "ASSplosion" as in, "I gotta find a toilet quick! I'm about to have an ASSplosion!"

Another favorite of mine, as coined by my brother when he was in the Army, is "jumpers in the door." This is a reference to when paratroopers are at the door, and they say, "jumpers in the door!" Sometimes we just say, "Dude, I got jumpers!"

This is probably an appropriate place to share that intestinal issues are a family trait. My brother and I have been known to wrap up a box of Imodium AD and put it into each others' stockings at Christmas.

Some more of my personal favorite euphemisms for when you need to go:

turtle poking its head out
prairie doggin' it

My final topic of this blog entry is the strangely named trucking company, A. Duie Pyle. Everytime I see one of these trucks hauling down the highway, I think, "Does no one else think that's a kinda funny name? It must be a joke, right? Right??" But apparently, it is not.

A. Duie Pyle was founded by Mr. Alexander Duie Pyle of Coatesville, PA in 1924. Why he chose to call the company A. Duie Pyle and not something like A.D. Pyle, I'm not sure I know. Maybe back in 1924, the word "doo-doo" didn't have the same meaning.

Feeling a little flush

2008-11-20T10:46:00.015-05:00

I can't believe a day like this would slip by me, but November 19 was World Toilet Day.

You know me, I'm ALL about potty humor, so I thought, "Wow, a day celebrating the toilet? How cool is that?" But, World Toilet Day might not be what you think.

November 19 was declared 'World Toilet Day' in 2001 by toilet associations around the world to raise awareness of the global sanitation crisis. That's right, "toilet associations." Since 2001, then there has been an annual World Toilet Summit and Expo.

We might think this is kind of silly, but what if there were no toilets? Where would you "go" when you had to go? Where would EVERYONE go? Toilets are a very serious issue in developing countries where hygiene is a matter of life and death.

2.5 billion people do not have somewhere safe, private or hygienic to go to the toilet.
One gram of feces can contain 10 million viruses, one million bacteria, 1,000 parasite cysts and 100 parasite eggs.
The simple act of washing hands with soap and water after going to the toilet can reduce diarrheal diseases by over 40%.
Safe disposal of children's feces leads to a reduction of nearly 40% in childhood diarrhea.
Every year 4 million people die from diseases associated with contaminated water.

The World Toilet Organization (the other WTO) asks each individual, in their respective country, to request better equality (more facilities for women); more accessibility and special provisions (for the disabled & mothers with babies); clean toilets (for everyone); and more toilets (for the less fortunate).

One of the United Nation's Millennium Development Goals is to cut in half the number of people living without "basic sanitation" by 2015. Did you know that in the U.S., every toilet flush uses as much water as the average person in a developing country uses for a whole day's washing, cleaning, cooking, and drinking?

In the summer of 1858, London experienced what historians call the Big Stink. At the height of the British empire, the city of London burgeoned with people. And all those people had to poop. And that poop, well, it had to go somewhere. At that time, people went in chamber pots which were emptied into the streets or backyards. Streets, basements, and yards were flooded with excrement, which eventually made its way to the River Thames. Of course, this happened every year, but the summer of 1858 was hotter than usual, and bacteria thrived. The odor was so overwhelming that people soaked curtains in chloride of lime and many left town. This provoked a much-needed sanitation reformation in London, and eventually led to the flush toilet.

Disease epidemics like cholera were directly caused by sewage contamination of drinking water. Even today, diseases from water contamination are the second-biggest killer of children worldwide, causing 5,000 deaths a day, five times the number dying from HIV/AIDS.

When I went to China in 2006, I was not prepared for the "toilets" we would encounter there. We were told to practice "squatting" so we'd have the leg muscles to do it, since all the toilets in China are squat toilets except for the ones in the hotels.

Here's a picture of a typical squat toilet (and yes, I used this one, and no, it had no door...)

With squat toilets, there isn't really any flushing, and you are not supposed to put anything down there except your excrement. Most restrooms have a little trash can where you are supposed to deposit the toilet paper (if you are lucky enough to find it provided for you). As you can imagine, the trash can of used toilet paper makes all the restrooms have a very distinctive odor. About halfway through the trip, I realized my urine was starting to smell like those toilets, presumably because the diet is so similar, and we were eating what the regular folk eat.

Here's a picture of me going into the squat toilet on one of our train rides.

Yes, a squat toilet on a moving train. Luckily, there was a railing you could hold on to. You'll notice that I have a baggie with my toilet paper, baby wipes, and hand sanitizer. This baggie went with me to every bathroom trip. Also, you may notice the window above the toilet. If you didn't squat down far enough, and we happened to stop at a station, you would give the waiting riders a little show.

Now, you may want to stop reading here if you have a tender stomach. This toilet was nothing more than 2 short walls of bricks and a hole in the ground. Right out in the open. My mom used this one, I did not. This next toilet was the one for the children at the school where we visited. Yes, I did use this one (when you gotta go, you gotta go). As you can see and can imagine, sanitation is an issue. And there was no running water here for hand washing. The organization I work for built a new school for these children which has running water and toilets.
The first time I pooped in a squat toilet, I emerged with my arms in the air as if I had won a victory. "I did it!" I yelled. I think it was day 3. Up to that point, I had managed to time my poo with the times when we were in the hotel. But that day, we were at the Terra Cotta Warriors in Xi'an, so I didn't have a choice. I'll never forget that moment.

The next time you go to the potty, be grateful. Chances are, you celebrated World Toilet Day without even knowing it. And if you didn't, you should probably go to the doctor...

Twilight Time

2008-11-17T21:02:00.011-05:00

Since the movie version of the first book in the Twilight series opens this week, I decided to dedicate this post to the Twilight phenomenon.

I've read the first book. I read it in like 2 days, and let me just say, I rarely finish a book, let alone that quickly! I was completely sucked in (which is funny cuz it's a vampire book). I first heard of Twilight on Facebook - I was like, "Who is this Edward Cullen? What is all this Twilight stuff?" I asked around, found out about the books, and then heard from a few young women that I HAD to read them, I just HAD to - and then I would understand.

I did not want to like Twilight, but I was intrigued. Cynical, but intrigued. After all, very few things live up to their hype.

So, I bought the first book and set it on my pile of books for a couple of weeks. Then I got the puking/pooping/fever illness. When I started having enough energy to actually be awake, I fumbled blindly at the pile of books next to my bed and settled on Twilight.

It's hard to describe Twilight and its appeal. What is it about? Vampires. But not really. There isn't any biting or blood sucking, really. No hanging upside down, no sleeping in coffins. I know some people are "into" vampires, Anne Rice books and whatnot, but I am not one of those people. I've never read an Anne Rice book, Interview with a Vampire was an OK movie. I will admit that Bram Stoker's Dracula is one of my top ten movies. Why? The love story, of course - and the supremely awesome soundtrack.

The Twilight series is about love. But there's no sex (at least not in the first book) or nudity or bad language or anything. As I've been telling people, I can see why so many young women get so caught up in Twilight - it's because the love in these stories is the way every woman wants to be loved. Passionately, deeply, protectively, as if their life depended on your love.

The main character in the story, Bella, is a smart, witty young woman, but she is shy and awkward and thinks she is plain and uninteresting. If you were a nerd/geek in high school like me, you can relate to her. Edward, the vampire who loves her, appreciates her in every way - most especially the things that make her real - her intelligence, her humor, her flaws.

He watches her sleep and thinks she's beautiful. He sings to her. He watches out for her and protects her from harm. He wants to know everything about her. He puts her happiness before his own. He puts his trust in her. He wants to be near her. He is inspired by her.

It makes my heart flutter to think of being loved like that.

Now, I want to admit, Twilight is not particularly well-written. The characters and the charm and elegance and intrigue are what draw you in. The writing won't change your life. I felt the same way when I read The DaVinci Code - it was a fun story, but not such great writing. I can see why these books are popular because they are what I call "accessible" - no complex sentence structures, no big words, just a fun story. Not what you would call "literature," yet addictive stories. Nothing wrong with that.

Stephanie Meyer writes in a way that makes it easy to visualize everything that is happening - you know the town, you see the faces of the people, it feels very real, which makes the love part feel even more real. It's the melding of the fantasy and the relatable that draw readers into these stories.

Every woman dreams about that perfect love. We know that isn't reality - as everyone likes to tell us. But the escape and the dream are beautiful things. Besides, why can't we be loved like that? Some of us are worth it!

Refrigerator Raider!

2008-11-15T09:58:00.010-05:00

Finally, a holiday worth celebrating! A holiday that truly makes an impact on our world and makes our lives better. That's right, today, November 15, is National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day!

Presumably, it's not International Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day because, well, only in America do we throw away endless amounts of food. Besides, I think they are still burying salted meats underground in most other countries.

If you're like me, leftovers of a meal I didn't really enjoy the first time around are put into plastic containers (tupperware, rubbermaid, etc.) As more important items like beer, wine, sake, hard cider, ameretto, sweet and sour mix, maraschino cherries, etc., are added to the refrigerator, the plastic container of god-knows-what gets shoved further and further into the back of the refrigerator.

Days or months later, you discover the container, peer through misty plastic and try to determine what it is (or was). If you are lucky, the item is glowing from within, allowing you a clear view of the new universe you have created in the airtight environment. If you don't remember putting anything into a container, chances are, you don't want to open it. If it's one of those ziploc containers, it's not worth it - don't open it, just toss it. But you paid $25 for the tupperware container, right? So, you're not going to just throw it away. You open it, carefully. The "psssssss" of the hermetically sealed airlock being broken is the warning signal. And then, the smell. The putrid scent that is so unholy and unnatural, you can't believe it was once something you ingested. And the sight! You may think, "I don't remember buying bleu cheese..." or "What kind of herb was that green stuff?" If it wasn't for the smell, some molds are actually quite beautiful, blossoming from rotten sloppy joe meat like a spring field of wildflowers.

I know people who, when met with a piece of moldy cheese, cut off the moldy part and eat the rest. Or, scrape the moldy part off the top of the spaghetti sauce, and dig into what lies beneath. I am not one of those people. If there is any hint of mold, or a strange scent, or a slightly slimy appearance, it's done. It's not frugal, I know.

Then there's the "crisper." I remember a very old Drew Carey stand-up routine where he talks about the "crisper" and says, "They should call this thing the rotter, because that's what's happening." Why do refrigerator manufacturers even make these bins anymore? It's true, whatever is put in there is soon forgotten until you clean out the fridge and find a mass of green sludge that was once a tasty mango (that no one tasted). At our house, we continue to call it the "rotter" and have a new plan to keep veggies and fruits from dying in the black hole of those bins. We use the rotter for beer and soda cans. That way they get used, and the veggies and fruits are put in a more visible location (where, sad to say, they usually still rot, but at least you see them going bad and can toss them sooner).

Now let's talk about the freezer. If you're like me, you like to think that anything put in the freezer will last indefinitely. But if you've ever pulled a pack of ground beef from the permafrost that has gone from its healthy red-pink, to red-brown, to gray-brown, to the color of death, you know that things in the freezer don't last forever. Today is the day to throw it away. Trust me - when your Eggo waffles are coated in ice crystals, they turn soggy in the toaster. Ick. Toss 'em.

Some other helpful tips as you clean out your refrigerator:

Take everything out;
Wash down and disinfect the inside walls of the refrigerator, the shelves, and all along the door seal;
Wash everything going back in - bins, racks, and even the outsides of jars;
Vacuum the coils at the back of the fridge, if your model has them;
Clean the floor underneath the fridge.

I can vouch for those last two - it really is important to vacuum the coils at least once a year. We've gone through 3 refrigerators in 12 years and finally someone told me to do this. It's especially important if you have pets because pet hair collects on the coils, and the toys can get stuck under the fridge near the coils.

So, why National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day? It has been speculated that it's just good timing, to allow room for Thanksgiving goodies and holiday leftovers. Besides, if you have guests coming over, you don't want to be mortified when they find something that looks like a Mogwai living in your fridge.

As another point of reference, the Red Cross offers these tips for food safety if your refrigerator dies or the power goes out: Food Safety in a Power Outage

So put on your hazmat gear and dig in. It's Saturday, and if you live in Ohio, it's probably raining, so what better time to do it. I don't need to do it - we had to throw away everything in August when our refrigerator died and we got a new one. The old one, with it's Fridge Graffiti is still on the back deck (without doors). Click here to read about how we violated the poor old fridge. In the new fridge, we only have like 5 items in the freezer and everything is new. Guess I'll go to the movies.

When the gales of November came early

2008-11-13T19:00:00.009-05:00

Five years ago today, I was facing the reality of losing my son, my baby, my infant child not yet ready to live outside of me.

Every year on this sad anniversary, I take the day off, have a quiet, gentle day, and write in a journal dedicated to Eroll. I write what I wish I could tell him, I write about the ways I remembered him this year, and the things I did in the last year, the ways I've changed, the feelings I've felt.

This year hit me hard. Years 3 and 4 seemed easier somehow, but this year it was so hard. Yesterday, I woke up feeling anxious and depressed. I went to work, only to spend the day on the verge of tears the entire time I was there. That ball of grief welled up in my throat threateningly. A few times, I couldn't stop the tears. The second time I started crying, my boss sent me home.

I realized then that I was remembering not the day that Eroll was born, but the day before that. The day my water broke and I went into labor. The horrible feelings of knowing what was happening and not wanting to accept it. And in the triage area, seeing my son on the ultrasound - the last time I saw him alive. All the membranes had ruptured and he would not survive inside me - and was too little to survive outside of me. No one said, but I knew he would die.

It was an awful, stormy, windy night - as they induced labor, we waited, tried to sleep some, but the sleet hitting the window of the hospital room kept waking me up, not that I was able to sleep too soundly anyway. I keep thinking about all the feelings - the horror of knowing I was losing him, and then having to make decisions - would we want to see the baby? Name him? Baptize him? And through all of it, I just wanted them to knock me out and wake me when it was over. But I had to go through labor - 18 hours later, our tiny son was born dead at 9:32am on Thursday, November 13. I sometimes wonder, at what point did he die? Did he suffer?

We did see him. We held him and looked at his tiny fingers and toes. We named him Eroll. And we had him baptized.

As soon as the epidural wore off, I was moved to another room to spend the night. I'll never forget the emptiness I felt. I was alone that night - more alone than I have ever felt. I had pain all night, and just getting to the bathroom was a chore. By the next morning, I was able to get up and sit in a chair. I'll always remember just sitting there, looking out the window and not knowing how I could go on living. What was I supposed to do with myself now? That night, that day, and days later, I don't remember any color. Just gray. Everything was gray.

The emptiness was a heavy weight that sometimes comes back to me when I least expect it, like yesterday and today. Crying is a release, but I know there's a scar within me that will always ache. The sharpest pain has ebbed, my body has healed, I no longer feel his phantom kicks that I felt for months after losing him. And we have some answers now - that Eroll was perfect genetically, but the loss was because I have incompetent cervix - my body could not hold him in any longer. Sadly, most women have to go through a loss like this before they know they have incompetent cervix.

I'm blessed by the people who understand and care. Those who remember my son. It means so much to me that he is not forgotten, that people still know my pain and that it will always be a part of me, even though I'm healing.

November is a difficult month for so many. One of my closest friends experienced an ectopic pregnancy and loss in November a couple of years ago, and a subsequent loss this month. A new friend lost her son at 20 weeks in November, too. It made me wonder about tragedies this month. I'm compiling that for a future post.

For the full blog entry about my experience of loss, go to: This is My Story, This is My Son

A bit corny...

2008-11-03T21:56:00.024-05:00

It's no secret that I LOVE corn dogs. I will gladly endure throngs of humanity in mullets just to get a fresh, fair-cooked corn dog.

This past weekend, being Halloween, a friend told me I should dress up as a corn dog next year. It's a GREAT idea! Also this past weekend, I found a gem at a quirky little store called "Big Fun" (which, incidentally, had these awesome Barack Obama paper dolls that included Michelle and the girls!).

At the right is what I found - it is a CORN DOG AIR FRESHENER! That's right, folks. And get this - it's MUSTARD scented!!!

For those of you living in another country, corn dogs are hot dogs dipped in corn batter, deep fried and served on a stick. Corn dogs were supposedly created in 1942 for the Texas State Fair by Neil Fletcher. Corn dogs are an excellent source of calories, fat, cholesterol and salt.

National Corn Dog Day

"National Corndog Day coincides with the Saturday of the final 32 teams in NCAA basketball tournament (in 2008, it was March 22). This Saturday is the only day all year that one can watch a quadruple-header of college basketball games (that’s a good 7-8 hours of college hoops) from start to finish without having to change the channel. NCD officially starts with the tip-off of the first game – 10 am Pacific/1 pm Eastern. To help pass the time, have fun with friends, and to celebrate being blessed with such a thing as a college basketball tournament, we eat Corndogs!"

Now, I'm not really into basketball at all, but I do very much enjoy corn dogs, and would watch basketball (or at least have it on the TV in the background) in order to celebrate National Corn Dog day properly.

I love that LilCherie made me stickers of fairies with corn dogs. She did a "wandectomy" and in place of their little fairy wands, put corn dogs. I need more corn dog stickers. LilCherie also made me this crazy arrangement in a "dirty pot" (a clay pot decoupaged with naughty images). Inside the pot are things like feathers, pussy willows, sunflowers, birds, and bees. But the best part is that she made corn dogs out of fimo clay and put them on sticks into the arrangement! I'll have to get a picture of it, it's great!

So, LilCherie, look what the internet spewed forth:

The Iowa State Fair is the best because they have FOOTLONG CORN DOGS!! That's right, FOOTLONG!

And, another LilCherie corn dog moment, she took this photo of me when they were visiting in August. I now refer to this photo as "Porn Dog."

Some Corn Dog Links:
I do not believe in corn dog violence.
National Corn Dog Day News
Hillbilly Housewife Corn Dog Batter Recipe

Not all the saints were in the "All Saints" post

2008-11-03T21:37:00.006-05:00

In looking back at the "All Saints" post, I realized I didn't upload one of my favorites from the day.

This memorial statue is referred to as the "Haserot Angel" and it stands atop the grave of Francis Haserot and his family. The Haserots family is famous for institutional-sized canned good. Their company, Northen Haserot, supplies hotels, restaurants, schools, hospitals, and other institutions with canned meats, seafood, dairy, beverages, and produce, as well as certain types of food-service equipment and cleaning chemicals. I've seen their trucks a lot during my many road trips.

Northern Haserot was founded in Cleveland in 1892 and has been located here ever since. They only ship to the Cleveland, Akron, Canton, Youngstown, Toledo, and Columbus areas, but they manage to operate two distribution facitilites and a USDA federally inspected meat plant.

The statue at their cemetery plot was sculpted in 1924 by Herman Matzen.

The statue has been referred to as "The Angel of Death Victorious." The male angel has his hands folded on what looks like a sword, but is actually an upside down torch, symbolizing a life extinguished. It is a beautiful, but creepy piece, and the weather has streaked his bronze skin and caused his face to look like it is stained with tears of discolored metal.

"For what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

- Kahlil Gibran

All Saints

2008-11-02T20:34:00.016-05:00

Yesterday, I spent a chunk of the day at Lake View Cemetery in Cleveland, Ohio. It is one of my favorite places in the world. Because it was November 1, when I told people where I was going they thought I was being creepy and Halloweenie, or doing the "All Saints Day" thing. The truth is, it was a beautiful fall day, and I love the place.

It was a bit overcast, so not ideal conditions, but I still took a bunch of pictures. And it was at least warm. Here are a few of my photos to share...

My New Glasses

2008-11-02T19:58:00.004-05:00

The promised photo in my new Shanghai Tang glasses!

This is Halloween!

2008-11-02T16:41:00.004-05:00

Here was my costume this year...

I wore it to work, even though it's politically incorrect and I want to insist that I was being self-deprecating - NOT making fun of eating disorders which are of course very serious.

The funny thing is how many people didn't get it! I hope my blog readers do!

Goodbye Snowball

2008-10-26T09:10:00.007-04:00

I was saddened to learn this week that one of the polar bears at the Cleveland Zoo died this week. It was interesting to learn that she was almost the same age as me, so she was likely the same polar bear I saw as a kid, and that my nephews got to see, too. I have many polar bear pictures from the Cleveland Zoo, I will add some of my favorites here, even though I don't know which one might be Snowball.

RELEASE DATE: October 24, 2008

Polar Bear Dies at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo

Snowball, a wild born 37-year-old polar bear, died at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo today at approximately 10:30 a.m. She was the oldest zoo polar bear in the United States.

A necropsy (animal autopsy) will be performed by the Zoo's Veterinary Care staff to determine the cause of death. The Zoo will release results from the necropsy as they become available.

Snowball arrived at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo in 1971 when she was 11 months old. Most recently, Snowball resided in the Zoo's Northern Trek area with two other polar bears – 25-year-old female Aurora and 15-year-old male Aquila. The average life expectancy for polar bears in zoos is 20 to 30 years.

Poop Stories

2008-10-24T22:15:00.003-04:00

Another shout-out to Depressionista, wanted to post her story about my "beach" poop. The original, along with other hilarious poop stories, is found here:
Poop Stories by Depressionista

-----------------------------

Michiana Shores

Last year (2005), Tingle and her husband S., me and J. vacationed for a long weekend in the Michiana Shores area. It was a cold, blustery day, and yet we longed to walk along the beach and explore an austere and beautiful pier made of stone. We had just had lunch at some kind of bar and grille type place so we were in for a lazy walk. I grabbed my camera bag and we disembarked from the car. S. and J. walked ahead in some kind of manly unspoken competition to see if they could get to the end of the pier without someone wussing out. Tingle and I took it more slowly and walked just along the first part of the rocky construction.

As we walked quietly amongst the stones, watching the water lap at the shore, Tingle began having the signs of an impending diarrheal dump. It soon became clear that there was no way she was getting back to anything resembling civilization before she had to acquiese to her body's needs. Tingle, well known for her ability to piss anywhere, anytime, decided she had no choice but to duck down behind a rock and go for it (at which point I took one of my most favorite photos ever).

There was only one problem, however...neither of us had one scrap of paper, tissue, or even a leaf for clean-up purposes. In a moment of brilliant inspiration, I offered her the handtowel I kept in my camera bag to protect the equipment. Without choice, she accepted it gratefully, and like a cat, buried it, along with the rest of her deposit, beneath the sand. A few weeks later she sent me a replacement towel with a nice note reminding us of the hilarity on the beach. It sits in my camera bag, tag and note still attached, ready for its next use, whatever it may be.

----------------------

This story still makes me laugh. I'll have to find and scan the photo because, as I was trying hard not to poop on any of my parts (shoes, legs, etc.), I was laughing hysterically at the whole scenario - me crouching behind some big rocks, cramping up and trying to let loose, trying not to be seen by anyone else on or near the beach, while Depressionista tries to take a picture of me.

Ego Boost

2008-10-24T22:06:00.006-04:00

I was looking through some old posts on Depressionista's blog because I was trying to find her version of my famous beach poop story, and found this, which just made me feel all warm inside. I need this kind of ego boost on a daily basis! I'm so humbled...

Monday, January 29, 2007
Things I Love About Tingle (a small sampling)

1. She has photos of other people's children all over her kitchen...even though she lost her own son and has been struggling with infertility for years.

2. You cannot go to Tingle's house without coming away with all sorts of cool goodies that she just happens to have in her house--a new purse, clothing she doesn't want, fun soaps or hair do-dads, a cool journal. I think when she sees something cool, she just buys it with the knowledge that at some point, the perfect opportunity to give it away will arise.

3. She doesn't beat around the bush. If she doesn't want you to set your glass on the endtable then she tells you. If you leave a mess in the bathroom, she bitches about it. I like that. It's freeing for me because I don't have to worry if I'm annoying her--she lets me know and then I can decide whether or not to alter my behavior or face the consequences!

4. She has fun with my son and helps take care of him so J. and I can smoke together (or have sex, as the case may be).

5. She uses fun phrases like "jeezy Petes!", "it's all effed up," "it's all good" and "bun of a snitch!"

6. She tells me I'm beautiful.

7. She is beautiful.*

8. She's hilarious.

9. She gets excited about stuff.

10. Sometimes she will stand outside with me to keep me company while I smoke, even though she hates it. And sometimes, she totally refuses (see number 3).

11. She's really smart.

12. She walks and talks just as fast as I do.

13. She knows how to get me out of a bad mood.

14. She looks really cute when she purses her lips in mock disgust.

15. She has a personal code of ethics and stands by them without foisting them onto others.

16. She knows all about my bad habits and personality flaws and loves me anyway.

17. She likes my other friends (and they like her!)

18. She has a way of making people feel welcome and at home no matter where she is.

19. She's very kind but never self-righteous or sickeningly sweet about it.

20. She's edgy and deep and fascinating, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life learning more about her.

*Number One Thing I Don't Love About Tingle: That she cannot see the beauty and grace she possesses, inside and out.

The Lawrence Welk Show

2008-10-23T20:19:00.001-04:00

I love the Lawrence Welk Show, so when I saw this skit on the Saturday Night Live website while catching up on some episodes, I decided to watch it. And I laughed hysterically! Hope you do, too!

It's those hands, it just cracks me up!

Ain't No Party Like a Political Party!

2008-10-22T20:08:00.012-04:00

Disclaimer: A Political Post

Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for! I think America's political process is exciting, as are the debates and the reasons people vote the way they do. I was reading TIME magazine, which outlined how people vote - statistics and whatnot. It got me thinking and wondering - do we mostly vote the way we were raised to vote? Does the way we vote reflect where we live? Our economic status? Our religion? Our moral beliefs?

I will reveal that, until the 2004 election, I had never voted for a Democrat or Republican for president - I always voted for another political party, like Independent, Green, or Libertarian. Why? Because I tried to find the candidate who fit my beliefs about the issues, not just, as some voters have admitted, "The guy I'd most like to have a beer with."

I do not consider myself a Democrat or a Republican - I am not, nor will probably ever be, affiliated with a major political party. I am registered as "independent."

While we like to think of the U.S. as a place where anyone can become president, the U.S. is considered a two-party system, where two political parties dominate the system to the extent that getting elected under any other party is extremely difficult.

What do you think? What makes you vote the way you do? Do you fit in one of these categories?

Major Political Parties

The Socialist Party bases most of its philosophies on revising the system of capitalism (our current economic structure). Need to visit the hospital? Forget insurance. The Socialists believe in universal health care (a system practiced in many European countries), meaning that everyone can get medical coverage, no matter who they are and how much they make. Like the Greens, the Socialists also believe in preserving the environment by the use of other non-destructive forces, like solar energy and hydro power.

The Socialist Party strives to establish a radical democracy that places people's lives under their own control - a non-racist, classless, feminist socialist society... where working people own and control the means of production and distribution through democratically-controlled public agencies; where full employment is realized for everyone who wants to work; where workers have the right to form unions freely, and to strike and engage in other forms of job actions; and where the production of society is used for the benefit of all humanity, not for the private profit of a few.

Socialists believe socialism and democracy are one and indivisible. The working class is in a key and central position to fight back against the ruling capitalist class and its power. The working class is the major force worldwide that can lead the way to a socialist future - to a real radical democracy from below. The Socialist Party fights for progressive changes compatible with a socialist future. Socialists support militant working class struggles and electoral action, independent of the capitalist controlled two-party system, to present socialist alternatives. We strive for democratic revolutions - radical and fundamental changes in the structure and quality of economic, political, and personal relations - to abolish the power now exercised by the few who control great wealth and the government. The Socialist Party is a democratic, multi-tendency organization, with structure and practices visible and accessible to all members.

The Constitution Party was founded as the U.S. Taxpayers' Party in 1992. It ranks third nationally amongst all U.S. political parties in registered voters, with 366,937 registered members as of November 2006. The Constitution Party advocates a platform which aims to reflect the principles of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution of the United States, and the Bill of Rights.

Seven Principles of the Constitution Party are:

Life: For all human beings, from conception to natural death;

Liberty: Freedom of conscience and actions for the self-governed individual;

Family: One husband and one wife with their children as divinely instituted;

Property: Each individual's right to own and steward personal property without government burden;

Constitution: and Bill of Rights interpreted according to the actual intent of the Founding Fathers;

States' Rights: Everything not specifically delegated by the Constitution to the federal government is reserved for the state and local jurisdictions;

American Sovereignty: American government committed to the protection of the borders, trade, and common defense of Americans, and not entangled in foreign alliances.

The Republican Party is often considered "the Right" or "conservative" party, the Republican Party opposes gay marriage, high taxes and abortion (except in the case of rape, incest or problem pregnancies). Many republicans support harsher punishments for drug users, standardized testing within schools and a strong military force. The Republicans were among the first and strongest supporters of the war in Iraq. They also favor privatization of health care.

Founded in 1854 by anti-slavery expansion activists and modernizers, the Republican Party quickly surpassed the Whig Party as the principal opposition to the Democratic Party. Today, the party supports a neoconservative platform with further foundations in supply-side fiscal policies, partial government ownership of the financial industry, and social conservatism.

Republicans like to think of themselves as the conservative party—for small government, a strong national defense, and traditional moral values. The Republican party's beliefs include: a fiscally responsible government that allows “individuals to keep more of the money they earn” and the “best government is that which governs the least.” Translated—lower taxes and more laws decided at the state level. Small government means our federal government should only intervene on issues and laws outlined in the Constitution; otherwise, issues of public policy should be resolved at the state level.

The Libertarian Party is currently one of the largest third political party in the United States with 200,000 registered members. Libertarians are deeply supportive of the concept of individual liberty as a precondition for moral and stable societies. In their ''Statement of Principles,'' they declare: ''We hold that all individuals have the right to exercise sole dominion over their own lives, and have the right to live in whatever manner they choose, so long as they do not forcibly interfere with the equal rights of others to live in whatever manner they choose.'' To this end, Libertarians want to reduce the size of government (eliminating many of its current functions entirely).The party tends to favor minimally regulated economic markets, strong civil liberties, minimally regulated migration across borders, and non-interventionism in foreign policy with a respect for freedom of trade and travel to all foreign countries. Combing aspects of both popular parties, Libertarians tend to focus on reduced taxation, privatization of Social Security and welfare, reduced regulation of business, rollbacks of labor regulations, and reduction of government interference in foreign trade. They tend to support the unrestricted right to guns, abolishing laws against victimless crimes such as drug possession, prostitution and driving regulations.

The big issue that most Libertarians are known for is their love of guns. They take the second amendment very seriously and even refer to it as their "hot-button" issue for the 2004 election. The Libertarians like to stress the individual and believe that the government is too controlling and intrusive on many issues. They favor the privatization of certain services, such as health care and schooling. Sounds a little republican? While they do seem to have much in common, a couple of things separate these groups, such as the Libertarians' stance on the legalization of marijuana, abortion rights and gay marriage - they believe in the rights of the individual to make these decisions. In addition, the Libertarians believe morals are an individual's concern and should not be dictated by the government.

Key tenets of the Libertarian Party platform include the following:

Adoption of laissez-faire principles which would reduce the state's role in the economy. This would include, among other things, markedly reduced taxation, privatization of Social Security and welfare (for individuals, as well as elimination of "corporate welfare"), markedly reduced regulation of business, rollbacks of labor regulations, and reduction of government interference in foreign trade.

Protection of property rights.

Minimal government bureaucracy. The Libertarian Party states that the government's responsibilities should be limited to the protection of individual rights from the initiation of force and fraud.

Strong civil liberties positions, including privacy protection, freedom of speech, freedom of association, and sexual freedom.

Opposition to civil rights laws that regulate the private sector, such as affirmative action and non-discrimination laws.

Support for the unrestricted right to the means of self-defense (such as gun rights, the right to carry mace or pepper spray, etc).

Abolition of laws against "victimless crimes" (such as prostitution, driving without a seat belt, use of controlled substances, fraternization, etc.).

Opposition to regulations on how businesses should run themselves (e.g., smoking)

A foreign policy of free trade and non-interventionism.

Support for a fiscally responsible government including a hard currency (commodity-based money supply as opposed to fiat currency).

Abolition of all forms of taxpayer-funded assistance (welfare, food stamps, public housing, Health care, etc.)

Libertarians state that their platform follows from the consistent application of their guiding principle: "mutual respect for rights." They are therefore deeply supportive of the concept of individual liberty as a precondition for moral and stable societies. In their "Statement of Principles," they declare: "We hold that all individuals have the right to exercise sole dominion over their own lives, and have the right to live in whatever manner they choose, so long as they do not forcibly interfere with the equal right of others to live in whatever manner they choose." To this end, Libertarians want to reduce the size of government (eliminating many of its current functions entirely).

The Democratic Party was originally known as "the party of the common man." Called "the Left" or "liberal" party, the Democrats have been linked to the middle class and receive a large percent of minority vote in elections. They are opposed to corporate tax breaks and focus more on providing public services. Mainly pro-choice, the party has strong support from many feminist groups, like Planned Parenthood and FMLA (Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance). Originally supportive of the war in Iraq, many democrats feel that the time has come to leave the Middle East and rebuild alliances with foreign nations. As for gay marriage, many dems are for gay unions--equal rights, but not exactly the same as marriage. The Democrats continue to focus their energy on working class America and hope to strengthen the middle class.

Since the 1890s, the Democratic Party has favored "liberal" positions (the term "liberal" in this sense describes social liberalism, not classical liberalism). In recent exit polls, the Democratic Party has had broad appeal across all socio-ethno-economic demographics. Historically, the party has favored farmers, laborers, labor unions, and religious and ethnic minorities; it has opposed unregulated business and finance, and favored progressive income taxes.

In recent decades, the party has adopted a centrist economic and more socially progressive agenda, with the voter base having shifted considerably. Once dominated by unionized labor and the working class, the Democratic base now consists of social liberals who tend to be well-educated as well as the socially more conservative working class. Today, Democrats advocate more social freedoms, affirmative action, balanced budget, and a free enterprise system tempered by government intervention (mixed economy). The party believes that government should play a role in alleviating poverty and social injustice, even if such requires a larger role for government and progressive taxation.

The Green Party was officially formed in 2001 after several state chapters of the Green Party came together. Their initial goal was to help the state politicians grow, however they burst onto the national scene when Ralph Nader was nominated and placed third in the 2000 presidential election. The defining position of the Greens is their dedication to environmental issues--hence the name "Green." They also believe in grassroots democracy, supporting local activism, smaller and independently owned business, abortion rights, as well as the restructuring of certain political institutions. Openly opposed to the war since the beginning, the Greens support the removal of the troops from Iraq immediately and if elected would support a decrease in military spending.

The Green Party of the United States emphasizes environmentalism, non-hierarchical participatory democracy, social justice, respect for diversity, peace and nonviolence. Their "Ten Key Values," which are described as non-authoritative guiding principles, are as follows:

Grassroots democracy

Social justice and equal opportunity

Ecological wisdom

Non-violence

Decentralization

Community-based economics and economic justice

Feminism and gender equity

Respect for diversity

Personal and global responsibility

Future focus and sustainability

I've taken several political quizzes to see where I fit. I've found that I usually fall somewhere between Libertarian and Socialist. While I do believe in a lot of the Libertarian platforms, I differ about gun control, their "hot button" issue.

Interested in quizzing yourself? Try one of these (I tried to only post quizzes that include other parties, not just the Big Two):

http://www.politicalcompass.org/index
You don't need to provide any personal information here, which is a bonus. This test shows where your political compass puts you on a spectrum, not which party you would fit. It showed that my political compass puts me right between Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. Wow!

http://quiz.myyearbook.com/myspace/PersonalityEmotion/390235/Which_Political_Party_Represents_You_Best.html This one pins me as Libertarian...

http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=Smood
This very short quiz says I'm Green Party...

http://www.gurl.com/play/quizzes/pages/0,,647035,00.html
A good quiz, very girl-centric though. This one says I'm Socialist...

Now I'm freeee.... free balling!

2008-10-19T21:25:00.012-04:00

I've been really busy lately - not home a whole lot. And with the time I had to do laundry yesterday, I washed towels since S. was complaining about no clean towels and my nephews were sleeping over and we were giving them baths. But I should have washed underwear.

When I got dressed this morning, all I had left were the "reserve" underwear. These are 3 pairs of underwear that really don't fit me at all, but for some reason I've kept them in the back of the drawer. They are relatively new, since I apparently bought the wrong size to begin with. "Oh well," I thought. I've worn them before, and they end up being more like bikinis on my usual-brief-wearing lower torso. Not comfortable, but at least it's undies. (Check out my previous writing about panties: The Hierarchy of the Panties)

We took the boys to the zoo today. A really nice, if somewhat cool, fall day at a very empty zoo. Of course, as we usually do at the zoo, there was a lot of running and racing. First off, we started racing to the front of the zoo, me pushing the stroller, and S. running with my older nephew. After some jogging along, I felt the undies sliding off. Since there were other people around, I stopped running and check to make sure it's just the undies and not the pants, too. Everything's good, so I hike up the undies and keep going.

We visited the primate and aquatic building, which was exciting because the animals were very active today - we saw the gorillas, red pandas, a crazy running armadillo, and even a baboon with a really long penis that he was showing off (some people took pictures, but I was trying to keep an eye on the boys who were running around like crazy. Besides, last year I got some great shots of a chimpanzee being a cunning linguist on another chimp, and also two crazy squirrels going at it for like 20 minutes).

After seeing the animals, playing on the playground, and getting some lunch, we headed back down the hill to the Australian Outback area. At this point, my panties were really not doing anything for me. I had to keep pulling them up, and they pretty much parked below my butt, below my naughty bits - the only thing keeping them from falling off completely was the crotch of my pants that were holding them up. S. said that you couldn't tell they were falling off, but I don't know if I believe him.

After the Australia experience, we went to the bathroom, did the diaper change thing, and I decided that was it - time to lose the panties. I took 'em off and thought for a mili-second about putting them in my pocket, but decided to just toss them out.

When I came out, I said, "I'm free!" S. said, "So, you're going commando?" I said, "Can you tell?" And he said, "Yes." I said, "Really?" and he said, "Yeah, I can see the hairs poking out!" Nice! hahaha

Being this free is not very comfortable for me out in public. I like to have at least 2 layers of fabric between me and the outside world, especially at a germ-fest like the zoo.

I have been undie-less before, although it's rare. I have had a few occasions when I admit, I've pooped my pants. And the more people I admit this to, the more I know that pretty much everyone has or will poop their pants at some time in their life. If you haven't already, you will.

Most recently, I had a break during our board meetings last November from like noon to 3:00pm. I had a meeting at 3:00, so after a few hours of doing some work and trying not to fall asleep, right at 2:55, I had some gas, and yes, I let it rip. Well, it wasn't gas. And it was a LOT of shit. Sometimes you just have a little come out, ya know? This was so much, I had trouble getting down the hall to the bathroom! When I got there, I took off the undies and threw them away. But there was shit all down my legs and on my pants. I did the best I could, but there was no way I could go sit in a meeting smelling like shit.

I told my boss I was going to miss part of the meeting because "I had an incident and needed to go home and change my pants." She didn't even say anything, just "OK." So, I was only commando for the drive home, but still, walking to my car without undies and smelling like shit, well, you just feel like everyone knows. I ended up needing to shower off my ass and legs before changing my clothes and returning to work.

Back to the zoo story, I stayed undie-less for the rest of the afternoon and all the way home. We all got naps when we got home, and I finally washed a load of underwear. There's no way I can go to work tomorrow without panties!

Interestingly enough, Wikipedia has an entry for "Going Commando." I looked it up as I was curious about the origins of the phrase. Read it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_commando

Tingle Gets a Little "Tang"

2008-10-18T16:32:00.008-04:00

I went to the eye doctor today. I know you are supposed to go every year these days, but I think that's a ploy for eye doctors to make more money. My prescription hasn't changed in over 15 years, and once again, at this appointment, it is the same.

I ordered new contacts, and also got the dreaded glaucoma test where they put the drops in your eyes and wait for your pupils to dilate. Ugh.

While I was waiting for my pupils to dilate, I shopped for new eyeglass frames. I think it's been about 10 years since I got new eyeglasses. I rarely wear them, so it hasn't really mattered. But now the paint is wearing off on the bridge and scratching my face right between my nose, and they are so worn that they don't fit on my head very well.

I would estimate that 80% of the glasses they had to choose from were what I call "Sarah Palin Glasses." They are many different versions of the rectangular-shaped glasses. I don't have anything against them - they look great on some people. But for me, they just didn't look right. And also, I'm not a fan of "trendy."

After getting opinions from the ladies working there, (2 of them liked the Sarah Palin glasses, 1 of them plus me liked the rounder ones that I chose) I decided on the below glasses. They're made by Shanghai Tang, which is apparently some hip brand, but I'd never heard of 'em. They are fun and different. I thought they were "me." See what you think.

When my glasses come in (a week or two) I'll take a picture of me in them.

My eyes have been screwed up ALL day from those glaucoma drops! At first, it wasn't too bad because it was cloudy, but after spending a little bit of time shopping and waiting for my eyes to feel better, the sun broke through, and while beautiful, made my eyes hurt and I could barely keep them open! Those drops are torture!

OhiObama

2008-10-17T23:38:00.004-04:00

An Itchy Tingle teaching moment...

This, my dear pupils, is the State Flag of the great state of Ohio:

That is all for today. Class dismissed.

Read below links for extra credit:
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/archives/individual/2008_10/015233.php
http://mediamatters.org/items/200810160022

If you don't laugh, there's something wrong...

2008-10-16T13:46:00.008-04:00

My mom sent me this HILARIOUS bit and I just about choked on my Oodles of Noodles. I think my coworkers might have been wondering what the heck I was doing as I was laughing violently in my office as I read this.

This is a pretty accurate description of what my colonoscopy was like (I had one done in 2005). I'll share some more details of my colonoscopy after the wonderful words from Dave Barry...

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

TINGLE'S TAKE: First of all, I had to prep with a product called "GoLitely" which should really be called "GoViolently" because there was nothing "lite" about what happened when I drank the stuff. It took a few hours for things to really get "moving" for me, so I was lulled into thinking, "This isn't too bad..."

But when it started, it was just as Dave Barry describes. I actually considered setting up a little cot in the bathroom.

I also slept through the whole thing. Thank goodness. They didn't play music for me, though.

When I woke up in the "waking up" room, they gave me some crackers and ginger ale. I had LOTS of gas - very airy, noisy gas. It had to come out, I was in no state to try and "hold it" in. I apologized to the nurse, and then she told me that it was OK, that she couldn't let me leave until she heard me pass gas. Could you imagine that job? Being the nurse who gives you crackers and ginger ale and then waits around until you fart? I hope she either has a great sense of humor or makes good money.

Also, I didn't have perfect intestines like Dave Barry. When the doctor talked to me, he explained that I had "diverticula throughout" which means that I have little pockets throughout my intestines where stuff can get trapped making me susceptible to infection or diverticulitis. He urged me to avoid foods which give me "issues" (which for me tend to be raw veggies and fruits, particularly lettuce and any kind of "skins").

And, I had a polyp. Which I guess is pretty common, but also means I'm supposed to get a colonoscopy once every 5 years or something. They removed the polyp while they were in there. When he told me I had a polyp, he showed me a nice color portrait of the polyp before it was removed. I asked if I could have a copy of the picture - he looked at me funny, and I said, "I'm not leaving here until I get a picture of my polyp!" (Keep in mind that I was still a bit loopy...)

So, he had the nurse make a copy of the picture for me, and I was sent away happy. I went home and slept the day away to get rid of the general anesthesia hangover. A few days later, the polyp biopsy came back and it was benign.

I always thought I'd never have a colonoscopy or a urinary catheter before I was 50, but the cruel universe had different plans because now I've had both. Must be downhill from here!

And now, my friends, I present to you in full vivd technicolor, the debut of my polyp. Yes, this is the actual photo of my polyp, removed from my innards in October 2005, and hereby dubbed by me: Shiny Happy Polyp.

Vested Interest

2008-10-14T22:10:00.004-04:00

I do not understand vests. A vest is a clothing item I don't get. As a fashion accessory, OK, sure. But don't pretend it has a purpose. People wear vests at this time of year as outerwear.

When I get cold, the first parts to get cold are my extremities. Isn't that true of everyone? We're always complaining that our feet are cold, our hands are cold, our legs are cold, our ears are cold. I have never thought to myself, nor have I heard anyone else say, "Gee, my chest sure is cold!" or "Wow, this cold hits me right in the belly."

So, why the vest? When it gets cold, wouldn't it make more sense to have just sleeves with gloves? Isn't that the part that gets cold first?

Bottom line is, unless you are protecting your vital organs (ala a bullet-proof vest), then I don't see the point in vests.

Lost Together

2008-10-13T15:02:00.003-04:00

I no longer expect things to make sense. I know there is no safety. But that does not mean there is no magic. It does not mean there is no hope. It simply means that each of us has reason to be wishful and frightened, aspiring and flawed. And it means that, to the degree we are lost, it is on the same ocean, in the same night.

- Elizabeth Kaye (author)

What NOT to get little girls this Christmas

2008-09-24T22:36:00.005-04:00

In the mail today, I got a catalog that really freaked me out!

The catalog is for "My Twinn: the just-like-me doll!"

These are dolls that are personalized to look like little girls (apparently boys are not allowed to have dolls, lest they grow up to be loving, nurturing adult men).

First, you pick an outfit - obviously every little girl's favorite part (right).

Next, you pick one of 5 skin tones, one of 9 eye colors, and one of 10 hair colors. Does anyone else think it's weird that there are more eye colors than skin tones??

Finally, you upload or mail in the child's photo. Presumably, these will be used in unsavory ways after the doll has been made.

Then, a "My Twinn Artisan" will craft your doll. Can you imagine? "I got a degree from art school and now I'm a My Twinn Artisan." "Say again? A My-what artisan?"

All this for just $130! And don't worry, you can not only buy more outfits and accessories for your doll, but they also sell girl-sized clothes so you and the doll can look exactly alike!

In this photo (left), I'm not sure which has a blanker stare, the kid or the doll.

Once the doll arrives, you obviously name the doll after yourself. Then, you light some incense and follow the ritual printed in the box to bring your doll to life.

When the doll has developed your trust and the trust of your family, it smothers you in the night. Your doll then becomes you, and no one is the wiser.

Crucify

2008-09-23T22:02:00.003-04:00

Crucify by Tori Amos

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands - drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog, beggin for love
Gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter, he says, "Will you ever learn?
You're just an empty cage, girl, if you kill the bird"

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands - drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands - drive another nail in
Where are those angels when you need them?

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

How I Hope to Be Loved

2008-09-22T00:28:00.008-04:00

Savannah sent me the book of this beautiful story, and now it goes out to YOU...

Small was feeling grim and grumpy.

"Good grief," said Large. "What is the matter?"

"I'm grim and grumpy," said litle Small, "and I don't think you love me at all."

"Oh, Small," said Large, "grumpy or not, I'll always love you, no matter what."

"If I were a grumpy grizzly bear, would you still love me? Would you still care?"

"Of course," said Large. "Bear or not, I'd always love you, no matter what."

"But if I turned into a squishy bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?"

"Of course," said Large. "Bug or not, I'd always love you, no matter what."

"No matter what?" said Small with a smile. "What if I were a crocodile?"

"I'd still hold you close and snug and tight, and tuck you up in bed each night."

"But does love wear out? Does it break or bend? Can you fix it or patch it? Does it mend?"

"With time together, a smile, and a kiss - love can be mended with things like this."

"But what about when you're far away? Does your love go too, or does it stay?"

"Look up at the stars. They're far, far away. But their light reaches us at the end of each day."

"It's like that with love - we may be close, we may be far, but our love still surrounds us... wherever we are."

No Matter What by Debi Gliori

I Need to Know...

2008-09-21T20:08:00.004-04:00

OK, so I've heard of kidney stones, gall stones, etc. Can you get liver stones?

I need to know, because I was eating some braunschweiger this afternoon and got a really hard piece that almost broke my tooth. Braunschweiger, aka goose-liver, is usually so smooth and creamy. I'd like to think this was a "liver-stone" and not a piece of goose beak or toenail.

Braunschweiger tip of the day: About a week after opening, the meat will change from a fresh pinkish color to a dull gray, and will then begin to turn green. If it is not consumed quickly after it first turns gray, the braunschweiger is no longer edible and should be disposed of immediately.

Fit

2008-09-12T21:13:00.004-04:00

Where do you fit
when nothing fits
Your flesh
both bloated and hanging

Hope
is Queen Anne’s Lace
delicate
once plucked
dies too soon
shiver of the silhouette
of trusses
against the cloudy night
Pressed
in the space
between the tire
and the road.

Miracles

2008-09-07T20:36:00.011-04:00

Sometimes, miracles are life changing. And sometimes, they are small and personal. Today, I had a small and personal miracle.

We have season tickets to the Cleveland Browns, and today's game (while they lost) was a treat because the Ohio State University band (the best band in the land!) played the half-time show. I LOVE marching bands!!

But I digress... sometime early in the 1st quarter, something flew right into my neck and fell on my lap. I jumped a bit, and looked down to see a GIANT insect. The girl next to me started completely freaking out, practically climbing on top of her boyfriend's head.

It was a dragonfly. Clear wings with black veins, green-yellow on its body, and long black legs. It's wingspan was about 5 inches. And it was sitting on my lap on top of my wadded up jacket. I picked up my jacket so I didn't squish it under my arm. And I just looked at this amazing creature. A moment of serenity in the middle of the noise and humanity of a major sporting event.

I told the girl next to me that dragonflies don't bite or sting, and she calmed down a bit. I tried to get it to fly away, blowing on its wings, trying to coax it off and on its way. It was the largest dragonfly I've ever seen alive.

When it was apparently not going anywhere, I let it sit there, on my jacket on my lap. I wanted to take a picture of it, but my phone was in my coat pocket and I knew it would leave if I tried.

I thought it was maybe dead, it was sitting so still. But then, all at once, it flew off.

It continued to fly around, diving and fluttering over our heads, practically running into us again. At one point, the lady behind me tapped me and said, "Don't you wish you would have killed that thing when you had the chance?" And I said, "No! They don't sting or bite, and they are good luck." She didn't say anything after that.

The dragonfly is very similar to the butterfly - they both are flying insects with four wings, and they both go through a metamorphosis period to emerge as fully formed and functional new creatures. For the dragonfly (and its closest relative, the damselfly), life starts out encased in an egg. These eggs are laid in water, and when the young dragonfly emerges, it is known as a nymph.

They can spend three years in the nymph stage, living in water, waiting to truly take form. The chance that the procedure of morphing from nymph to dragonfly is painful is very high. The first step seems easy enough. The nymph just climbs out of the water to rest on a plant stem or leaf. But then, the process really begins! The skin of the nymph begins to split, with the new head emerging from the ruins. The rest of it emerges, until finally free, its wings have a chance to dry and become strong enough to fly. The process takes about two hours. However, it won’t be fully complete for another day or two, when the beautiful colors begin to fully come in.

Once it goes through metamorphosis, it flies into the air and looks down at where it came from. It is suddenly in a new medium, a medium that would be vastly inconceivable by water creatures such as it had been under the surface. Its configuration and physiology undergo such a total change that it could be somewhat analogous to comparing it to a two-legged's spirit when it rises up and enters the spirit world. Dragonfly can now discover, search, and grow, by a simple beat of its wings.

Dragonflies are incredible - they are amazing flyers, darting like light, twisting, turning, changing direction, even going backwards. They are inhabitants of two realms - starting with water, and moving to the air with maturity, but staying close to water. Some believe they represent change. In Japan, they represent new light and joy, courage, strength, and happiness. Dragonflies are reminders that we are light and can reflect the light in powerful ways if we choose to do so. Dragonflies are connected with water and Springtime, fertility, renewal; and is considered a messenger. The dragonfly is the symbol or resurrection in some Native American legends. Not back from the dead but more like onto the next life. To some Native Americans they are the souls of the dead. The Navajo believed that dragonflies were a symbol of renewal after a time of great hardship.

My dragonfly experience has stayed with me all day. It was magical. It was a small, personal miracle meant just for me. I don't know what it meant, if anything - maybe just to give me hope. Had it landed on someone else, they probably would have smashed it or stepped on it.

Sometimes, miracles happen when we are in distress. But, maybe sometimes we have to look for our miracles. Maybe sometimes we have to be open to miracles. And maybe sometimes we have to take the moments of happiness that we are given and realize that those seemingly small moments are miracles. Those are the kinds of miracles I believe in.

Water You Talking About??

2008-08-29T20:36:00.003-04:00

Wednesday, I was washing dishes when the water in the sink stopped coming out. Nothing. This was curious. So I called the water department.

Apparently, I forgot to pay the bill. And they shut off the water.

So, I was told that I needed to bring my bill and cash payment to the water office downtown the next day.

I was completely stressed out about this. Back in the day, there were times when I couldn't pay everything. But these days, I can pay the bills. I just didn't pay this one.

My excuse is that I pay almost everything online these days. So, when I'm going through my bills, if I can't pay it online, I set it aside to write a check later. Usually, these are for magazine subscriptions and the like - not important stuff like utilities.

With the water bill, I just never came back to it. Completely blanked, just forgot. When I found the shut-off notice, it hadn't even been opened. I think it came right before the Iowan visit, and I set it aside. Then we went to Vegas. And I came back and went to my Grandpa's funeral. So things had been pretty busy, and this was not in the forefront of my mind.

I felt like such a moron! I felt so stupid!

Since I DO NOT function without a daily shower, my brother and sister-in-law were nice enough to allow me to take a shower at their house the next morning. I'm quite sure they had a good private laugh about my predicament. And looking back, it was kinda funny. Well, it would have been funnier if I didn't feel so stupid.

I was so stressed out about the situation, I didn't sleep well. Got up fairly early (for me anyway) and went over to my brother's house, took a shower, and called the water department. They told me if I paid it in cash, they could turn the water back on the same day. What a relief!

Before I left my brother's house, I realized that I forgot my jewelry. I managed to remember my contacts, but not my watch, ring, and necklace. I felt really weird, kind of naked.

I drove downtown, found a parking spot (luckily), managed to parallel park (which I haven't done in ages!), and went into the building. They had two "take a number" machines, one for the water department, and one for the power department. There were benches for us to sit while we waited for our number.

In front of the benches, there were a bunch of "windows" like a bank would have. Above the windows, there were digital readouts of numbers. When your number appeared on that screen, you went to that window.

This was stage one - you have to see a collection agent before you can pay your bill. I think this is to weed out all the other craziness people are there for - I could hear some people, one guy was buying a property, another lady wanted the water turned on for 2 houses, etc.

Because all I wanted was to pay and get water again, mine went pretty quickly once my number was called. The lady looked at my bill, asked me how much I wanted to pay (uh, all of it!), and did some things on the computer. Then she told me to go to the cashier window to pay the bill. This went quickly, all in all I was there for about an hour.

On my way to work (just a few blocks from the water department), I was feeling so tired, like I'd used all my energy for the day on that morning, all my adrenaline. When I got to work (late), everyone was very quiet, and I learned that one of my colleagues had been fired that morning. It was a bit of a surprise, a shock, really. I was running on empty at work and was really punchy. I did get a lot done, but I also took advantage of every distraction during the day.

I ended up staying at work until about 6:30 to make up for being late and to get caught up. I was feeling emotional by this point. When I got in my car, I just broke down in tears. I guess I just needed that release. As I was sobbing, I started to feel like, "Why am I so upset? This wasn't THAT bad of a day!" Then I realized I didn't take my "happy pills" or my thyroid pills that morning. I remember thinking about it, but there was no water. And I forgot to grab them before I left the house. That, combined with everything else, made it a challenging, emotional day.

When I came home, I checked the water, and it was on! That was a relief. Then I got undressed, took out my contacts, and crashed. I just wasn't going to function, didn't want to eat, didn't want to do anything and had a headache, so sleep was pretty much the only option.

I woke up about an hour later, had a big bowl of Cheerios, and felt a little better. Then I watched Barack Obama on the Democratic National Convention, and that was awesome and very uplifting!

I slept pretty well, and bounced back fresh and renewed today. Still feeling kind of stupid about the water thing, though.

In Memory of my Grandpa

2008-08-25T20:32:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was my Grandpa's memorial service. It was a lovely way to say goodbye to him, with each of the 4 grandkids having a part in the service.

In honor of him, this is the poem I read at the funeral.

Memories

I'd like the memory of me
to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an afterglow
of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo
whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times
and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve
to dry before the sun.
of happy memories that I leave
when my life is done.

(I did not write it, don't know who did - my grandma picked it)

Las Vegas, Day 6

2008-08-24T20:31:00.008-04:00

Friday was Day 6 in Vegas, our last day. We decided to go to the pool early in the day. This ended up being a good idea, since the bikini contingent was apparently not up yet. Well, at least not all of them. There were other fat-ish people and one-piece suits out there earlier in the day.

We went in the water, then I layed out for a while, then went back in the water when it got hot, and then out again. After the second time out, S. went back to the room, and I stayed laying in the sun - I wanted to go home with at least some color!

The photo at the left is S. pointing out what he says is the hieroglyphic for "hamburger" in the elevator.

After showers and getting ready, we took a cab down to the Mirage for the Cirque du Soleil: The Beatles LOVE show. I played some more slot machines, lost more money, and continued to feel like a moron that I kept playing!

We picked up our tickets and shopped in the gift shop for the show because we figured it would be crowded later. Then we went and had a cold beverage and walked around a bit. Eventually, we went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant in the Mirage. It was quite good, VERY upscale, but they didn't have any sake, so that was a little disappointing.

The Beatles LOVE show was amazing! I just loved it! It was so much fun and had some great acts, and of course the music was great. Some of it was so trippy! At one point, I turned to S. and said, "I wish I was high right now!" By the end of the show, I was near tears, I loved it so much.

After the show, we went to Treasure Island, which was next door. We walked around a bit in there, played some more slots (because I am an idiot!) and then walked around a bit outside. Eventually, we headed back to the hotel. It was a later night than usual, and we still had to pack.

Packed up, hit the sack, got up early, and took a cab to the airport. The flights home were uneventful, it felt great to finally get home. I immediately felt like I had more space and quiet. It was nice to sleep in my own bed again!

We had a great time in Las Vegas, but it's good to be home.

Las Vegas, Day 5

2008-08-21T23:39:00.003-04:00

Today was a much more mellow day. Wanted to do a little shopping, so we headed to the M&M store, where we also watched the cheesey and pretty crappy 3D movie they have. We mostly wandered in and out of various stores and casinos.

I didn't take a lot of pictures today. S. and I are getting on each other's nerves. Well, more accurately, S. is getting on my nerves. It's to be expected when we are together for 5 solid days, something we are not at all used to.

We went to the MGM for lunch, and I went to the bathroom. Came out and S. was no where to be seen. I walked around a bit, then sat down and just waited. For like 15 minutes. Then he calls me, "I'm in the restaurant, I already ordered for you." Oh, OK, thanks for letting me know!!!!

I was pissed, and he was like, "Why are you mad? I ordered you food and a drink." And I was like, "You could have let me know! I would never do that to you, just wander off and not tell you where I was while you were in the bathroom." He kept saying, "I don't understand why you're so mad." And that made me even more upset. I told him, "If I had hurt you, made you mad, or embarassed you, I would apologize to you, even if it wasn't intentional." He didn't get it, and he didn't apologize.

This put me in a foul mood for the rest of the day. He went and played (and lost) in another poker tournament while I read and took a short nap. I thought about going to the pool, but didn't want to endure the bikini fashion show again, plus there was loud music at the pool, and it sounded like they were doing some sort of MTV Spring Break games or something and that is not for me. After my nap, we went to dinner and I played (and lost) on some more slot machines.

LilCherie and Depressionista will recall my unforgettable quote from the Niagara Falls casino about what I would be willing to do to get my money back that I lost in the casino.

Since today was a bit dull, I thought I'd share a story from yesterday that I forgot about. I went to the bathroom in the Luxor, and I kept hearing these women speaking in another language (there are a LOT of Europeans here because of the strong Euro and weak US dollar). When I came out to wash my hands, there was a woman rinsing something out in the sink. When she took the something over to one of the stalls, I realized it was another lady's shorts. She pulled them on (they were wet) and then they started to go out, when the one lady realized that the other lady had some shit on the back of her leg, so they came back in and wiped off the shit. Yep, she shit her pants. They were both pretty good-natured about it, to be honest.

I've shit my pants before, so I'm always relieved to hear about or see another adult do it. Listen, it happens. Sometimes you think it's just gas, and then it turns out it's not, and presto - you've shit your pants. Luckily for me, it's pretty much only happened at home - except once when it happened at work last spring during our board meeting and I had to go home and change (and even shower off!).

Vegas seems to be gearing up for the weekend. There are more people here today, it seems, and more excitement. We saw girls dancing on bars in 2 different casinos today.

Well, tomorrow will be our last full day. We are going to the Cirque du Soleil Beatles LOVE show tomorrow, and I am really, really excited about it.

Las Vegas, Day 4

2008-08-21T12:38:00.011-04:00

Yesterday, I once again started the morning with S. pressuring me to get up so we could do something and me saying, "I'M ON VACATION, DAMMIT!!!"

But I did get up, and we headed to Caesar's Palace to get something to eat, check out the shops, see the sights. I'm pretty proud of how I know my way around after just a few days. Well, at least I can make it back to my hotel room, so that's something.

Caesar's Palace was relatively uneventful, just strolling around looking at stuff, people watching. We tried to waste enough time so we could see the fountains at the Bellagio at 3:00, which is when their shows start.

Went to FAO Schwartz, where they actually have one of those big pianos like in the movie "Big" so that was pretty entertaining. I was also fascinated by these cool curved escalators in Caesar's Palace Forum Shops.

The Bellagio fountain show was good, but way too short. But I was excited because I wanted to see the water shoot really high, and it did!!! Before the show, I put in $20 to the slots, and only had $11 left, so we went back after the show so I could cash it out. But I decided to play it, and won $35, so I came out ahead, and cashed out! Then we checked out the conservatory in the Bellagio, which had the theme of trains, which was neat.

Back to the hotel, for a short break before heading out to the MGM Grand to see Cirque du Soleil's KA. Walked over, got their kinda early, and again played some slots. Lost almost $40, and then won $78! Yay! Ahead again, and cashed out.

KA was good, but not as good as other Cirque's I've seen. It is the only Cirque with a story line, and I think that they tried to hard to keep it a continuous story. The music, however, is my very favorite of any Cirque. There was a technical issue at one point, and we had to sit and wait for about 15 minutes in the middle of the show, so that was weird. It was S.'s first Cirque, and I don't think he had nearly the enthusiasm for it as I do, but I think it would have been better if he had seen a different one first.

Back to the Luxor, I lost $45 on the slots and quit. I am such a sucker. I sit there and think, "Why do I keep hitting that button????"

S. signed up for a Poker tournament and I went up to the room to get ready for bed. He came back about an hour later, he was 5th in the tournament, so no money for him either.

That's about it for yesterday. Today is a completely free day, no shows, so maybe we'll hit the pool and shop. And I'm never playing the slots again! Until later today, that is...

"The Strip"

2008-08-20T12:17:00.006-04:00

I forgot when I posted last night that I wanted to add a few things...

First of all, Vegas is FULL OF FREAKS! Now, I know I'm a freak, but this is a different brand of freak altogether. Drunk freaks, freaks in fedoras, freaks in hoochie-mama dresses, freaks of a completely different freakiness.

So, on Monday, on our way back to our hotel, I needed (yes, I said needed) a Krispy Kreme donut (there is a Krispy Kreme in between the Luxor and Excalibur - and they make them right there so they are hot and fresh!). So, I stopped to get a donut and a milk. I convinced S. to sit down with me so we could take a little break. And then he goes, "You need to sit on this side." And I was like, "Why?" and he says, "The girl in white over there just crossed her legs and you can see everything!" I was like, "Is she wearing underwear?" and he said, "No!" I didn't get the full show, I didn't want to be obvious, and she got up after that.

S. took a walk after his 3-hour nap Monday night. I was asleep, but he got up at 2:30am to go to Walgreens for sunscreen (since the kind we brought wasn't waterproof).

The next morning, he was like, "You HAVE to go out in the middle of the night! It's crazy!"

And he told me about how he was approached by prostitutes along his walk to Walgreens and back.

Near the Tropicana, the girl said,
"Hi! Why don't you come over here?" and when S. didn't respond, she said sternly, "GET OVER HERE!" S. said he laughed.

At the MGM entrance,
"Why aren't you smiling? I'll put a smile on your face!"

Near the Excalibur, 3 girls were walking toward him and the one girl said,
"Hey big boy, do you think you could handle all 3 of us??"

S. also said most of the ladies of the night just said, "Hey baby, how's it going?"

So there you go, a bit more excitement from Las Vegas.

Las Vegas, Day 3

2008-08-20T02:11:00.010-04:00

Last evening, the pool was refreshing, but there were SO many people there. And I was pretty much the only one in a one-piece bathing suit. Chicks in bikinis were exhibiting themselves everywhere you looked. I felt really self-conscious.

After the swim, we went to dinner at Fusia, an Asian fusion restaurant (whatever that means). We ordered some sushi as an appetizer, and I asked the waiter to recommend sake for me, since I had never tried it.

Sake is a beverage fermented from rice, which is a grain, making it more of a beer than a wine. Sake is not carbonated, and flavor-wise is closer to wine than beer, although it is uniquely different from wine. Sake is not a distilled beverage, and is not related to gin, vodka or other spirits.

And Sake is my new best friend.

About a third of the way into the glass, I started feeling warm, like a soft, sun-drenched cloud, was cushioning all of my skin. I just kept saying, "I feel soooo good right now..." I said I felt like a lava lamp. The feeling is similar (but better) to the feeling I get when I take my anxiety pills, Clonazepam.

I made S. give the waiter a big tip for the Sake suggestion, came back to my room, and just reveled in the Sake glow. I loved the feeling - not drunk, just mellow and beautiful and GOOD.

Today, I had a hard time getting out of bed. My feet were achy and I have blisters from the walking S. made me do yesterday. When I finally got my act together, we went to the buffet in the hotel for breakfast/lunch. That was a mistake. I am never eating at a buffet in Vegas again. Not very much looked that good, and what I did eat was all greasy and icky.

After that, I played a couple of slots (see photo at right) and then we went to Mandalay Bay's Shark Reef. We could walk there through a walkway attached to our hotel. The aquarium was a nice diversion, but I was not feeling well from the earlier meal.

We went back to the room and I laid down and fell asleep for about an hour and a half. S. went and watched people play poker in the "Poker Room." When he got back, we got ready to head to The Venetian for the Blue Man Group. THANKFULLY, S. got a cab so we didn't have to do the monorail or walk. The cab ride was about $12 and worth every penny since it went door-to-door. The monorail would have been $10 one way for both of us, so $2 more didn't seem like a big deal.

In The Venetian, we ate at s Mexican restaurant that was relatively new. The food was very good, the guacamole was delicious, and the atmosphere was unusual but very cool. The wall where I sat was covered with little skull sculptures (see photo at left).

On to the Blue Man Group! In our seats, I started chatting it up with two ladies next to me, who were retired teachers from Austin, TX. Very nice ladies, their first time to Vegas like us. We were all excited to see the Blue Men!

If you are ever in Vegas, you must see this show, it is just incredible, amazing, and hilarious. You can't help but emerge with a smile on your face. See the photo at right for me with a blue man - could I possibly be more elated?? The white stuff on me is crepe paper they give you to "decorate yourself." S. asked, "Are you going to wear that all night?" Guess I was embarrassing him again.

After that, we got a cab back to the hotel (thankfully) and here we are. Tomorrow's show is Cirque du Soleil's KA!

Las Vegas, Days 1 and 2

2008-08-18T19:24:00.018-04:00

Greetings from Vegas! I'm exhausted already!

Our journey here was less than great. We started the morning by S. telling me I embarass him all the time. And then, for the rest of the day, he told me everytime I was embarassing him. Maybe this was a contributing factor to the migraine-like headache I had for the entire day.

The flight to Phoenix was uneventful, but the short layover became 3+ hours. My head was hurting so much, I ended up laying across a bunch of seats and taking a nap. When we finally got on the plane to Vegas, I went back to sleep.

We took a bus to our hotel, which went smoothly. There was a young couple and their friends and family on the bus that were getting married at the hotel where we are staying - the Luxor. I thought that was so romantic. S. said I embarassed him when I leaned over and said, "Are you getting married?"

Checking into the hotel was brutal, I just cannot believe ALL the people that are here. The hotel is an amazing complex - something like 8 restaurants, a HUGE pool, shops, the casino, and a bunch of shows and exhibits. And that's JUST at the Luxor! The lady at the desk talked us into upgrading our room to a nicer, newer section of the hotel, and we went and settled into our room. I was already overwhelmed by the enormity of this place and all the masses of humanity here and wanted to just stay in the room and curl up in a ball. And I still had a headache.

We went and had some dinner, a DELICIOUS chicken ramen noodle soup and sandwiches. It was very yummy. Then we went and booked the shows we wanted to see. We got such a good deal on the flight and hotel, we splurged on some shows. I'm a fan of Cirque du Soleil, so I really wanted to see at least one show. I told S. I could go by myself if he wanted to do something else or didn't want to spend the money, but I guess he was up for it. Here's what we're going to see:

Tuesday, Aug. 19: Blue Man Group at the Venetian
Wednesday, Aug. 20: Cirque du Soleil: KA at the MGM Grand
Friday, Aug. 22: Cirque du Soleil: The Beatles LOVE at the Mirage

We dropped almost a grand on 3 shows. Yikes. But I'm very excited because I love Cirque du Soleil, and have been listening to the soundtrack to the LOVE show for over a year.

Back to our room, I needed to lay down. Fell asleep very soundly and really needed it. S. fell asleep, too. I actually woke up before he did, at about 8:00pm Las Vegas time. When S. finally woke up, he wanted to go out and walk around, so we did. We walked almost half the "strip" just to see where everything was. We checked out the M&M store, which is 4 unbelieveable floors of M&M stuff. On the right you'll see me with a giant blue M&M. We made a stop at WalGreens for snacks and water, then headed back to the hotel. All of this took about 3 hours.

I had no trouble going right back to sleep and got up feeling a LOT better today. We got going slowly, and decided to go down to the Bellagio and walk back on the other side of the strip. On our way to the Bellagio, we went through Excalibur, New York - New York, the outside of Monte Carlo, and inside the Bellagio. The Bellagio is really upscale, beautiful inside. I was SO thirsty so I bought 2 bottles of water - $7.50 each! Ouch! We checked out some of the shops in the Bellagio and went into Tiffany & Co. They had a beautiful diamond dragonfly necklace that made my eyes sparkle! I love sparkly things!

We found out about the fountain shows at the Bellagio. We were there way too early for the shows, so we'll probably go back later. I wanted to check out the Botanical Garden in the Bellagio, S. didn't want to, so we didn't.

We crossed the street near Bally's and went into Paris. It has an Eiffel Tower in it, so we decided to check it out. For $10, you get to go up in the Eiffel Tower and see a 360 degree view of the strip. The minute we stepped off the elevator, I was happy - it was the quietest place I've yet to be in Vegas! We stayed up there for quite a while, taking lots of pictures. It was about 105 degrees today, but it was very breezy and that felt great. A picture of me with Caesar's Palace in the background is on the left.

Next was the Miracle Mile shops attached to Planet Hollywood. Lots of upscale stores, and an ABC Store! Just like Hawaii! Funny! I saw this store that had the most intriguing jewelry, very different, modern stuff - it was all either stainless steal or titanium. I just loved the styles of them. The store is called Teno.

I've been looking for a ring that was pretty yet practical. A bunch of try-ons later, and I bought myself a new diamond ring. It's shiny titanium, light as a feather, with a comfort fit and 9 little diamonds. I like the feminine look. A picture of the ring is on the left.

Next, we walked through the Hawaiian marketplace, then into the MGM Grand. We spent some time in the MGM, and picked up our tickets to KA while we were there. Played a slot machine - put in a $20, got down to $14, then back up to $25, then back down to $16, then back up to $21, which is when I quit. I was really hoping to win $10,000 so I could feel better about spending $ on the shows and the ring. Oh well, it's only our first full day here.

Also in the MGM, there is a lion habitat (photo at right). Even though there was glass, I've never been so close to a lion before and I was amazed by how big they are. There were 3 lionesses, and they were so beautiful and very playful. Just like big kitties!

Everywhere you go, people are trying to give you free or discounted tickets if you go look at their timeshare or resort. Also, everywhere on the strip there are folks trying to give you "cards" that are for escorts, strippers, and prostitutes. These cards litter the streets.

After the MGM, we walked through the Excalibur back to the Luxor. We were hoping to go to Mandalay Bay to see their Shark Reef Aquairium today, but after 5 hours out and walking almost the entire time, I needed a break, so here we are. Gonna go swimming at the awesome pool in a bit, and then some dinner.

Tomorrow is the first show, Blue Man Group!

Right: Our room at the Luxor (with my happy little orange Prada backpack that I got in China!)

Above: A cool ORANGE lamborgini we saw on the strip!

Fun with Iowans

2008-08-12T18:10:00.016-04:00

You know how things seem to go wrong at the worst possible time? While the visit from our Iowa friends this past 7 days has been terrific, there were a few household glitches.

To start, S. and I went to the grocery store and left some laundry going when we left. When we got back, I went downstairs to switch the loads, and found about an inch of water from the stairs to the laundry area. Apparently, something got stuck in the drain and caused it to overflow. So, S. and I started trying to mop it up and used the shop vac to at least get it to the point where it would dry. Fun!

Our friends arrived the next day and there was the lovely odor of mildewy basement throughout the house.

Friday night, S. went to get some ice out of the refrigerator and it was all watery. We thought someone had left the door open or something, so we just kept checking it. The next morning, everything had melted. The fridge was warm. We couldn't believe that it could have died - we've lived in this house for 12 years, our first fridge lasted 5 years, and this one only lasted 7!

S. had to work, and the rest of us went to the amazing Bug City festival at the park. During his break, S. went and bought a new fridge at Lowe's and arranged to pick it up with his parent's van. While everyone rested/napped, LilCherie's husband R. and I went to my brother's house and picked up some coolers and ice that my sister-in-law had offered to help save the day. We came home, packed the coolers with what was salvageable, and by the time we finished, S. showed up with the fridge.

R. was SO helpful - he and S. moved the old fridge out onto the deck and managed to squeeze the new fridge (which was slightly larger) into the house. Yay! It was a bit tricky, but they did it.

Later, I went outside to find the old fridge had some messages on it, and soon we were all leaving graffiti on the fridge.

Depressionista also decided that the Girl's Night activity (we spent the night at a cabin) would be making new magnets for the new fridge.

Despite the appliance drama, everything went smoothly and we had a great time together. We are now on the 3rd fridge in 12 years!

The next odd happening was on Monday, after we got back from Girl's Night. We all took naps in the afternoon. When I woke up, my eye felt itchy, so I started rubbing it - a little too vigorously. Then it started hurting. Then it started swelling up. I think I scratched my cornea. The white part of my eye filled up with fluid, while the iris part stayed flat. The fluid was so built up, it actually was pushing my eyelid down so my eye looked all droopy. It started to go down a few hours later after I took my contacts out. Then I didn't wear contacts for 2 days so it could heal.

I now share our fridge fun.

The old fridge out on the deck

My silly fridge cartoons
Depressionista's going away letter for the fridge

The first thing written on the fridge, which we all added to (some of thes are real and some are not, obviously)...

Things that were kept in this fridge:

Dismembered body parts *
* of various barnyard animals
Pez's hairball popsicles and Chili's turd pie (those are my cats)
Tingle's hormones
Depressionista's libido
The gimp
Vaginal suppositories
Assorted rotting vegetables
Corn dogs
The cold chill that has come over our marriage
My dreams for a better world
Enough food to feed a village in China
Mealworms (live ones) (note: I once had an oriental firebelly toad)
10,000 sauce packets from Taco Bell, Arby's and Chinese food
Plastic spider that no one commented on... damn it! (note: I've had a little plastic spider in the fridge in an attempt to freak people out. It's been in there for YEARS and no one has ever said anything about it)
A passage into the next dimension

Fridge humor

"Man, I used to be able to chill an entire case of beer, but now a six-pack has me beat."
"My ice cubes used to be so firm..."
"That new Whirlpool really thinks he's cool."
"I'm not feeling so well today... I think I have a warm."
"Look at the ice maker on that one!"

This led to us coming up with refrigerator pick-up lines.

Refrigerator Pickup Lines

Hey baby, wanna stick your meat in my drawers?
Is it cool in here, or is it just me?
Wanna play find the sausage?
Hey baby, what's your brand?
Wanna stick your hose in my ice maker?
Can I see what's in your drawers?
Can I play with your magnets?
Are your coils tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

And now, a sampling of the amazing magnets created during Girl's Night.

From my sister-in-law...My appeal to the heavens that this fridge will lastLilCheri's troll with muffinDepressionista made this funny one of her husbandDepressionista made this lovely depiction of me